Back Before The War
by purplepagoda
Summary: Tony, and Ziva, now partners. Once, so much more. Husband and wife? When perfection seemed so close, what happened? What tore them apart, making them who they are now? No one knows their pain, the truth, in their shared past.
1. Secret

They never talked about it. Between each other, or to anyone else. They never discussed the things that they had lost, why they could never be together, no matter how much either of them wanted it. Both of them had agreed that there was only one way. There was only one thing they could do, pretend. They would have to pretend not to know the truth.

They had promised each other, not to dwell on the past, but... it was far more difficult than either of them had anticipated. There were things that no one else saw, no one else knew. The truth was something they vowed to keep between them, keep secret. There was not much to be said, anyway, that's what they always said, anyway.

She remembered the first time she saw him. He remembered the first time he had touched her, as if it had been yesterday. But it wasn't. It was so far in the past that both of them barely recognized the people they had been, when they first met. He would never admit to anyone how much he had loved her. She could never tell anyone how close they once were, how close they had come, to having it all.

They had one thing in common. They were both good at pretending. They tried to put it in the past. They tried to forget. With each passing day, together, in the same place, was a bitter reminder. The past seemed like a word away, but it always stung like a fresh wound. He looks up from his computer screen, at her. Her brown eyes meet him, and quickly look away.

He knew the truth. He knew that she still loved him, but... neither of them wanted that. They knew that things were never going to work out, the way that they needed them too. There was too much between them. There was too much shared pain, and misery, for them to ever be happy, together.

_September 15th, 2002_

_He slides into a booth, across the table from a young woman he doesn't know. She sips from a mug, and looks up at him questioningly. He smiles at her._

_"Who sent you?"_

_"What are you talking about?" she tries to play coy._

_"Everywhere I have gone in the past week, you seem to be."_

_"Coincidence, maybe?"_

_"Who sent you?"_

_"It does not matter. I am not interested in you."_

_"What are you interested in?"_

_"A terrorist, which you clearly are not."_

_"Does this terrorist have a name?"_

_"Paul Green."_

_"My suspect?"_

_"Is he?"_

_"What is your interest in him?"_

_"Eliminating him. I will torture him for a few hours first, once I get what I want, I will put him out of his misery."_

_"Give me a reason not to arrest you."_

_"I can kill you, with that spoon," she points to the unwrapped silverware next to him._

_"Get him to write a confession, to the murders he's committed, and I'll let you walk."_

_"What's in it, for me?"_

_"I'll buy you dinner."_

_"How will you know where to find me?"_

_"I don't, but you seem to be able to find me."_

_"You're not going to ask me who I am?"_

_"I don't care to know, not right now. If I see you at dinner..." he smiles._

_She watches him walk away. _

_September 16th, 2002_

_He takes a seat at a table, in a busy restaurant. He checks his watch, and turns off his phone. He doesn't hear her footsteps. He looks up, and she is standing before him. She wears a simple black dress. She takes a seat, and he smiles._

_"Why did you want to make a deal with me?"_

_"I figured I could use you, and you could use me."_

_"I have no need to use you."_

_"Oh, that's a shame..."_

_"Ziva," she fills in the blank._

_"That's a pretty name. Hebrew?"_

_"Yes," she nods._

_"So you're here, on business?"_

_"Yes," she nods._

_"Maybe I could incorporate some pleasure into your trip?"_

_"You are very forward."_

_"You seem like someone who is not easily impressed."_

_"I am not. Are you trying to impress me?"_

_"No, but I can tell you are intrigued."_

_"I know who you are."_

_"Yet, you're still here. I'm a womanizer, but for some reason you agreed to this. Why is that?"_

_"I have a habit of falling for charming men, who are all wrong for me."_

_"I see."_

_"And, I could use a little pleasure on this trip."_

_"You're someone who always gets what she wants?"_

_"Yes."_

_"So tell me, what is it that you want from me? I used you, and now, the ball is in your court."_

_"For one night, I would like to be someone else."_

_"I think that can be arranged."_

_"I'd like to be someone else, with you."_

_"Ok."_

_"Ok? You don't even know me. How do you know that I am not going to get you into bed, and kill you?"_

_"Your eyes tell a different story."_

_"What are they telling you?"_

_"You want me."_

_"So what if I do?"_

_"I wouldn't judge you."_

_"So why are we wasting time, here?"_

_He pulls out his wallet, and places a bill on the table. He looks up at her, with a smirk, "We're not."_


	2. These Broken Hearts

It was just one night, but he could never seem to get her off his mind. He knew that she left. She was halfway across the world, but his thoughts were with her. He knew that the chance of ever seeing her again, was... one in a billion. No matter how many times he told himself it was just a one night stand, he still didn't believe it. Something about the way she smiled, told him that she wanted more. He was beginning to think she was the one, and he had let her slip away.

She closes her eyes, knowing that sleep would not come. It rarely did, and when it did, it was fitful, she had too much on her mind. She couldn't seem to get the handsome stranger off her mind, lately. There was something about him. He was unlike anyone she had ever known. He was... trustworthy, and honest. She could spend her whole life wondering. She could spend her whole life, without ever seeing him again. She had a commitment, but all those promises seemed empty now. She had never needed anyone before. She had never needed anyone to stand beside her. She had never known what it was like, to need someone. But now, she needed him.

He could tell that she was unwavering. He knew that if she didn't want to be found, she never would. He knew that if he was going to see, or hear from her, ever again, it would be on her terms. To her, he was probably just a one night stand. He was just a line, on a page, in her book. She wasn't thinking about him. He was silly to think that she was. She was a skilled assassin. She was trained at deception. She was independent. She did not need him. He had nothing to offer her.

Months pass, but the thoughts do not seem to go away. He can't seem to push her from his mind.

_December 27th, 2002_

_After a long day of work, he opens the door to his apartment. He tosses aside his coat, and keys. He flips on the light. He sees a familiar face, sitting on his couch. It was clear that she had been waiting on him. He looks at her, not entirely sure that she's real. He opens his mouth to speak._

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"You are surprised to see me?"_

_"I never thought that I would see you again."_

_"You're disappointed, that I'm here?"_

_"No, I'm glad you're here."_

_"Glad? Why?"_

_He shrugs, "I don't know. I can't explain it. Do you believe in love at first sight?"_

_"Not really."_

_"Oh..."_

_"Why?"_

_"I can't explain it, but I feel like I've been waiting for you, my whole life."_

_"You don't even know me."_

_"Love is blind."_

_"Love?"_

_"I am not someone who falls in love, ever. I am a serial dater. I like never having to be tied down to anyone person, but... you are different. You make me feel different."_

_"Oh."_

_"Are you here to kill me?"_

_"No," she smiles._

_"I was just wondering."_

_"Why would I be here to kill you?"_

_"I can't think of another reason that you would pay me a second visit."_

_"I can think of a few."_

_"For example?"_

_"I have been thinking about you. I can't seem to get you out of my head."_

_"That isn't common?"_

_"No, far from it."_

_"Why are you here?"_

_"I thought that I should tell you in person. I didn't want you to find out on the phone, or in an email."_

_"Find out what?"_

_"I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm telling you. I mean it would probably be better, if you never knew, but..."_

_"If I knew what?" he cocks his head._

_"You should know that I am not an emotional person. I don't usually..."_

_"Visit people you've had casual sex with?"_

_"I'm not that type of person. I am not the type of person, to ever connect with someone. I have learned that becoming connected, attached, it only leads to pain. To do what I do, I have to be very detached."_

_"What are you getting at?"_

_"I guess that I felt something, for you."_

_"Is that a good thing?"_

_"Yes, considering everything, it is. I should not be here. I can't stay. I'll never be able to be the person who you wake up next to, every day."_

_"Considering what?"_

_"Right," she nods, "The reason I came here."_

_"Which is?"_

_"I wanted you to know. For what it's worth, I thought that you should know."_

_"You thought that I should know what?"_

_"The truth."_

_"And what is that?"_

_"Are you sure that you want to know?"_

_"I don't take you as one who cares whose feelings you hurt."_

_"I am not, but I am asking if you are certain that you want to know. If you don't, I can go. You can pretend that I never came here. You can pretend that none of it ever happened."_

_"Why would I want to do that?"_

_"Sometimes knowing nothing, is better than knowing the truth."_

_"Is someone trying to kill you?"_

_"No, why would you think that?"_

_"You're here."_

_"No one is trying to kill me."_

_"You love me?"_

_"I don't know," she admits._

_"So what truth are you afraid to tell me?"_

_"You are sure that you want to know?"_

_"You don't get frazzled easily, do you?"_

_"No."_

_"So why do you look like you just swallowed a broken light bulb?"_

_"I do not know what that means."_

_"You look nervous. Like you're about to throw up."_


	3. When You Love Someone Like That

_"I probably will," she admits._

_"You probably will what?"_

_"Throw up."_

_"You're that nervous?"_

_"No. Israel is seven hours ahead. That makes it almost 0600, there."_

_"You throw up at 0600?"_

_"Most mornings."_

_"Most mornings?"_

_"It is a new part of my morning ritual, I guess."_

_"I don't think that I understand. Why do you throw up at 0600, every day?"_

_"I am pregnant. I believe you call it morning sickness."_

_"Oh."_

_"It is yours, in case you were wondering. That is why am here. I thought I should tell you in person."_

_"Oh."_

_"I am keeping it. My father will not be too happy, but... I do not care. He will get over it. If he chooses not to, then I guess I will leave Mossad."_

_"What is your plan, exactly?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Are you going to go back to Israel?"_

_"Of course. It is my home."_

_"But..."_

_"But what? Do you have an objection to that?"_

_"Who are you going to do your job, if you're pregnant?"_

_"I will figure it out."_

_"It's dangerous."_

_"It is all I know how to do. I am going back."_

_"What if I don't want you to?"_

_"You cannot stop me."_

_"I don't want you to."_

_"Why not? You do not even know me."_

_"You're having my baby."_

_"Yes."_

_"A baby, that... I want to be involved with. I know that we barely know each other, but... I hope to change that."_

_"You are serious?"_

_"Why wouldn't I be?"_

_"You did not strike me as the type to... want this. I guess I figured that you would..."_

_"Please stay."_

_"I cannot stay."_

_"You can't take my child, and go halfway across the world."_

_"What do you propose I do?"_

_"I don't know," he shrugs._

_"You are really telling me that you want this baby?"_

_"I find it hard to believe that an emotionally distant, Mossad officer is willing to put the career, that she loves, at stake, for a child."_

_"I never asked for this. I never expected this. I never anticipated it as a problem that I would have to face. Obviously I feel differently, than I thought that I would."_

_"Then we need to reach some sort of compromise."_

_"What compromise?"_

_"I want to get to know you, before the baby is born."_

_"Come to Israel."_

_"No, you will come to me."_

_"How often?"_

_"One night a week."_

_"Twice a month," she negotiates._

_"You will stay here, once you are ineligible to fly. You will have the baby here. If you have to leave, the baby stays here, with me."_

_"Why you?"_

_"Can you guarantee that it will be safe, with you, in Israel?"_

_"No."_

_July 7th, 2003_

_He climbs into bed, next to her. She rolls towards him. He looks at her, in the light, from the lamp. _

_"You look tired," he tells her._

_"I am fine," she argues._

_"I love you," he admits._

_"I love you too," she reveals. After months it finally rolled off her tongue, smoothly._

_He yawns, "Get some sleep."_

_"She's asleep?"_

_"I just put her down."_

_"Ok.."_

_"Ziva, Eden is fine," he insists._

_"I know."_

_"Are you going to be ok?"_

_"With what?"_

_"You're leaving, first thing in the morning. You're going to Israel, and leaving her. You haven't left her side, since she's been born."_

_"I will be fine."_

_"You keep saying that. Who are you trying to convince? You, or me?"_

_"Goodnight."_

_July 8th, 2003_

_She lingers in the nursery. She stands next to the crib. She slips the sleeping baby, out of the bed. The baby exhales, in her sleep. She stares at the baby, in amazement. She kisses the little girl, on the forehead. She was only two weeks old, and already she was leaving her. She would not be back from Israel, for two weeks. She did not know if she could really leave her._

_He stands in the doorway, watching them. He looks at his watch. He clears his throat._

_"You're car is here. It's time to go."_

_She turns around, and moves towards him. She places the sleeping little girl, in his waiting arms, on her way out the door. _


	4. I've Seen Better Days

_July 8th, 2003_

_She reaches Tel-Aviv, and gets off the flight. Her stomach turns into knots. When she steps off the plane, it is dark. She looks at her watch, 2000 in D.C., made it 0200, there. She grabs her bag, and deplanes. She gets into a car that waits on the runway for her. She climbs inside, and is surprised to find her father, waiting on her._

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"I came to pick you up," he admits._

_"Since when do you pick me up from the airport?"_

_"Since you gave birth to my grandchild, and I promised her father your safe return."_

_"I see."_

_"You brought pictures?"_

_She smiles weakly, "Of course."_

_She hands him an album of photos. He flips through them. _

_"She's beautiful. Did the two of you settle on a name?"_

_"Eden Isabella."_

_"I am sure that you're tired. We'll get you home, so you can get some rest."_

_"I won't even be able to fall asleep, in two hours."_

_"I don't expect you in my office until 0900."_

_"Why is that?"_

_"You just got off a 13 hour flight."_

_"That has never changed things before."_

_"You just had a baby."_

_"That makes me incapable, of being myself?"_

_"It makes you tired. You know that I do not like the idea, but... you're my daughter, she's my granddaughter, sometimes, you get special treatment."_

_July 9th, 2003-D.C. 2212- He rolls over, and looks at the clock. He lays in bed, and listens. No signs of crying. That was odd. Like her mother, she was on a very strict schedule. He gets out of bed, and wanders down the hall. He pushes the door open, to the nursery, and steps in. He flips on the lamp, and goes over to her crib. She seems unusually quiet. He listens closely for a minute. Then he watches for a few seconds. He goes into panic mode. He quickly removes her from the crib, and races down the hall with her in his arms. He dials 9-1-1, and places her on the floor. He begins CPR. _

_July 9th, 2003-Israel, 0815- She climbs into the car, on her way to the office. She turns on the car. Before she can put it into gear she looks up, and sees her father's car coming towards her. He stops in the middle of the street, and puts the car into park. He races towards her. _

_"You need to come with me," he informs her._

_"What is wrong?"_

_"Ziva," he insists._

_She gets into the car with him. He races down the street. She doesn't even get a chance to buckle her seat belt._

_"Can you tell me what is going on? Where are we going? Why do you have that look on your face?"_

_"We're going back to the airport."_

_"The airport? I thought I was meeting you in your office, at 0900."_

_"Change of plans."_

_"What is going on?"_

_"You've got to go back to D.C."_

_"Why? What is wrong? Did something happen?"_

_All the color drains from his face. He is unable to say anything._

_"What happened? Is something wrong with the baby? Please tell me that she is ok."_

_"Ziva, calm down."_

_"I will calm down, when you tell me what is going on."_

_"No, you won't," he disagrees_

_"Tell me!" she screams._

_"Something happened."_

_"What happened?"_

_"I just got the phone call. I came to get you, right away."_

_"Get me. Why? What happened? Is my baby ok?"_

_"No."_

_"No? What is wrong? Is she in the hospital?"_

_"No, Ziva she's not in the hospital."_

_"Someone took her?"_

_"No."_

_"What is going on?"_

_"When he woke up, and went into her room, to feed her, she wasn't breathing."_

_She feels her chest tighten, her pulse raises, and her cheeks burn. "What are you telling me?"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"You're sorry. Why are you sorry?" she furrows her brow._

_"They were unable to resuscitate her."_

_"No."_

_July 10th, 2003_

_They stand, side by side, not daring to touch. They both wear black. The tears fall in silence, as they watch a tiny coffin, being lowered into the ground. The service ends, and they head to the car, numbly. She climbs in the passenger's seat. She had been utterly inconsolable. He doesn't turn the car on. He touches her hand, instead. She looks up at him, with a tear-stained face._

_"Can we please just go?"_

_"Tell me what you're thinking, first. Please?"_

_"This is my fault. I never should have left her."_

_"It was not your fault. There is nothing you could have done."_

_"You don't know that."_

_"I know it hurts."_

_"I was foolish to think, that I could ever have this."_

_"You..."_

_"I was."_

_"So, now what?"_

_"You take me to the apartment. I will pack my things, and I will leave."_

_"No one is asking you to leave. I want you to stay."_

_"I cannot stay here."_

_"Why not? I know that this hurts, but it will heal."_

_"I do not want to be reminded of what I lost, every day, for the rest of my life."_

_"So you're just going to go back to Israel?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I love you," he reminds her._

_As she speaks she tastes tears, "I love you too, but... I cannot stay. It is too hard."_


	5. The Only Promise That Remains

Every time he looks at her, he is reminded of the Hebrew proverb that she had recited to him. _Time heals old pain, while it creates new ones. _He could never look at her, and not think of what they had. What had been stolen from them. What they could not get back. They never talked about it. They never mentioned her name. They never let on, that they knew each other, before Ari killed Kate.

He had hoped that it was fate. He thought maybe her coming there, had been a sign, that they could have second chance, but there were no second chances. There was no letting go, or moving on. There simply was no recovering, from what had happened, even if they tried.

She could see the pain in his eyes. Pain from what they lost. Pain from the chance that was taken away from them. Pain, of knowing that he loved her, and she loved him back, but they could never be together. They had tried, and failed miserably. It was tragic. He truly loved her, and she him. Some things, however, cannot be repaired. Not that either of them had ever tried.

She ran. She felt rage, and wanted vengeance. It didn't matter who she faced, she just wanted to take the life, that was owed to her. She wanted to be able to fill that void, but nothing ever helped. She wanted to disappear, and never come back. She wanted to be alone, in her misery, but... she never could, he wouldn't let her. He always came for her. He always saved her, at the last moment. She didn't know why he was holding on.

He couldn't let her go. He knew that he should, that he should stop loving her, but his heart just couldn't do it. He knew that nothing he ever said, or did would fix it. Nothing would ever take away the pain. Nothing would ever fix them. He still hoped that, maybe, one day, they could be together, and at least share, in one another's misery.

She looks up at him. He smiles weakly, at her.

"I don't know about you, but I'm getting hungry."

"We should get something to eat," she agrees.

With that they head to the elevator. He stands behind her. He watches her from behind, as the doors close. They could hide the truth, no one ever had to know, but sometimes, he wondered, if it might be easier. Did destiny keep throwing them at each other, for a reason? Or was it just his mind playing games on him?

She stares at the panel of buttons. She thinks of a tiny, innocent baby. A little girl, with chubby cheeks, and his lips. With a head-full of soft dark hair. She didn't have any pictures, she had given them all to him, because she couldn't bare the thought of looking at them. She thought that the image would fade, but that was the problem with her photographic memory. The pictures never seemed to fade.

He stares, and he feels as if he can hear her thoughts. He reaches past her, and pushes a button. The elevator screeches to a halt.

"Ziva?"

"Yes, Tony?"

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"I am tired of pretending that I'm not broken. I am tired of acting as if nothing happened."

"I am not ready to..."

"You can't hold on to the pain forever."

"I don't know how to let it go."

"I know I can never fix it. Nothing I will ever say, or do will ever make it better. Nothing is ever going to bring her back..."

"But?"

"Do you ever wonder why our paths keep crossing? Why can't we ever seem to be happy, with anyone else?"

"You were the only one who I have ever, will ever, love."

"So why can't we make it work?"

"You know why."

"Why can't we give it a chance?"

"Because we know how it ends."

"That was not a natural ending. It ended abruptly, before it was meant to."

"A lot of things end before they are meant to."

"I wish that I could bring her back."

"But you can't. No one can."

"I wish that you would see what I see."

"And what is that? That every cloud has a silver lining? I assure you, it does not."

"No, she was sent her, for a reason."

"And what would that be?"

"To make us who we are."

"And?"

"And even though we are not the same people who we were, the day we met... I still feel the same way about you, that I did then. Some things change, people change, but love, it remains the same."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I look at you, I see her face."

"You look at me every single day."

"Do you know how hard that is?"

"You are already miserable. What do you have to lose?"

"My sanity."

"Ziva, it is time, to start picking up the pieces. It has been almost eight years."

"A lifetime would not be enough to get over what happened."

"I agree, but I don't think that it means we can never be happy again."

"What makes you think that I'm not happy?"

"Your eyes."

"They lie."

"No, they never lie."

"What do you want from me?"

"You are telling me that you can never love me?"

"I never stopped."

"So why aren't we together?"

"It hurts too much."

"It hurts more, without you."

"You don't know that."

"Something horrible, something unthinkable happened, and you ran. We let it tear us apart."

"What did you want me to do? It was never going to work out. I was too selfish. No matter what, it would have ended badly. You would have hated me, for leaving you with her, all the time. I was not ready to give up on my job."

"So you're still blaming yourself, for this?"

"I..."

"You blamed your father, for asking you to come back. You blame me for... not brining her back. Most of all though you blame you, and it wasn't your fault."

"Who else am I supposed to blame?"

"There is no one to blame."

"I would like to believe that, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"I was given a child, who I loved more than I ever imagined possible, and she was ripped away from me. I am sorry, if I don't believe that there isn't someone to blame."


	6. Starting Over Again

"So blame me, hate me."

She turns around, and looks at him. She feels the tears fall. He steps forward, and wraps her in his arms.

"Do whatever you want to me, but let me love you," he begs.

She feels her knees go weak. She wraps her arms around him, and holds on, for all she's worth.

Hours later, she finds herself, waiting on him. He joins her, at the elevator. They ride together. He slips his hand, in hers, when they reach the parking lot. She doesn't pull away. For once, she allows him to lead her. She climbs into the car. She pulls on the seatbelt. She looks over at him.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere we don't go enough."

She stands in front of a polished rock. A picture of an angel graces the center. A name, and a date is carved underneath. The cold February air sends chills up her spine.

"It's a nice stone," she admits.

"You've never seen it?"

"I could never bring myself to come here. I wanted to stay as far away, as I could. I guess I have been running from this, for a long time."

"Sometimes you just have to face things."

"How do you face this?"

"Head on."

"And how do you suggest that I do that? How do I let all of this go?"

"You never let it go, believe me, I've tried. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can never get that night out of my head. Every single day, I think about what I could have done differently. I wonder, if I could have saved her, somehow. If I had woken up, ten, or fifteen minutes earlier, maybe she'd still be alive. It never gets any easier, but you learn to live with it."

"You don't understand, what it is like for me.."

"You would never let me."

"I left her. I left my newborn baby, to go halfway across the world, to a job, that... took everything that I never knew that I wanted, away from me. I spent thirteen hours on a plane, back to D.C. Every single second of that flight, I just wanted to be able to rewind. I wanted to take it back. I never wanted to leave her. I never should have left her. I was not supposed to be in Israel. I should have been at home, with her. She needed me. I needed to be there. I was supposed to protect her, to..."

He grabs her shoulders. "Nothing you could have done would have changed anything."

"You don't know that."

"You are not to blame."

"Who is?"

"Me."

"You? What did you do? It isn't your fault," she tells him.

"I will never stop blaming myself."

"Neither will I."

"That's a shame, because I don't think either of us could have done anything to save her."

"Tony?"

"Huh?"

"Do you ever wonder..."

"How it would be, if she was still here?"

"Uh huh?"

"Only every day. I'll see a kid playing in the park, or walking down the street, and I wonder what she'd be like. I wonder who she'd be."

"So do I," a single tear rolls down her cheek.

"How are we ever going to get us back? I mean... how do we ever put the pieces of our lives back together? Even separately, there has to be a way."

"I don't know where to start. Every time I think that I have an answer, I am proven wrong."

"What are we missing?"

She doesn't miss a beat, "Her."

"There is no bringing her back, so how do we move on?"

"I thought that you knew."

"No. Not at all."

"How do we figure it out?"

"When was the last time you went to church?"

"Are you serious? That's your answer? _You_ want to go to church?"

"When was the last time?"

"It's been so long, that I couldn't tell you."

"Do you have any faith left, in that broken heart of yours?"

She smiles, for a moment, remembering why she had fallen in love with him in the first place, "Maybe a little."

"Let's go to church."

"Right now?"

"Yes, unless you'd prefer a synagogue."

"I think that you're losing it."

"Do you trust me?"

"Even when you're insane," she responds.

"Then come on," he takes her hand.

Ten minutes later she finds herself sitting in his car, outside a church, a block from the cemetery. He opens her door, and she gets out. She follows him to the doors. He pulls them open, and steps in. The church is empty, but their are pamphlets in the lobby. He pulls open another door, and takes a seat on the empty pew. She takes a seat next to him, on the pew in the very back. It was late, and there was clearly no one there. Lights on the walls, illuminate the room.

"What are we doing here?" she whispers.

"I thought we could pray."

"We had to come to a church to do that?"

"No, but, considering that neither of us has visited a house of worship in the recent past, I thought it would be more favorable for us."

"Have you been doing drugs?" she furrows her brow.

"No."

"So let me get this straight, we're here to pray?"

"Yes."

"That's it?"

"And to ask for forgiveness."

"For what?"

"Whatever it is that got us here."

"Oh."

"Stop asking questions, just close your eyes, and pray."

She bows her head, and laces her fingers. She closes her eyes, and pauses for a moment, trying to remember how to pray, where to begin.

Several moments later she opens her eyes, and looks over at him. He stares back at her.

"You're done?"

"Would you like me to take longer?"

He shakes his head, "No, we can go now."

"Ok."

"It seems like nothing really makes sense anymore, but for whatever reason, this did."

"It scares me sometimes, that I understand you."

"No one else does."

"How will we know it worked?"

"I don't know," he shrugs as he ushers her back to the car, "I guess the big guy upstairs will let us know."

"How?"

"If I could answer that, we wouldn't be here."


	7. One Promise Too Late

"Grab your gear!"

"Dead Marine?" DiNozzo questions.

"Not quite."

When they arrive at the scene they find a Marine, standing next to a dead body. Tony, Ziva, and Tim begin processing the crime scene.

"Do you want to tell me what happened here?" Gibbs questions the suspect.

"I knew it was the only way."

"You know that this isn't really out jurisdiction, he's a doctor."

"He was a former Marine, a long time ago."

"Why did you call us?"

"I know that you guys are the only ones who will listen. Anyone else would just assume that I did it, and once they were convinced of that the rest wouldn't matter."

"The rest?"

"The why."

"Why did you do it?"

"He took my son from me."

"What do you mean?"

"A month ago, my wife and I had a little boy. Cameron Joseph. Last week we woke up in the middle of the night and he had stopped breathing."

"You blame him?" Gibbs points to the dead body.

"We think that he faked my son's death."

"How?"

"I don't know how."

"Why do you think that Lieutenant Hayden?"

"My wife saw him, in the grocery store yesterday."

"How do you know?"

"I wouldn't have believed her, she has been... she took a picture."

Ziva stares at the witness, waiting for her to begin.

"Mrs. Hayden, can you tell me what happened?"

"I'll tell you why," she answers.

"Why, what?"

"Why he would consider killing the doctor."

"Why is that?"

"We lost our son, last week. That is the doctor who signed his death certificate."

"Your husband was angry about the loss of your son?"

"My son isn't dead."

"What do you mean?"

"We woke up, and Cameron had stopped breathing. The EMT's arrived, and they couldn't revive him. They took him to the hospital. He was pronounced dead there."

"Why don't you think that he's dead?"

"Because yesterday I went to the grocery store, and... I saw him."

"You are grieving, it's common to..."

She cuts Ziva off, "No, I took a picture, because I didn't believe it myself," she holds up her phone. She pushes a button, and shows Ziva a picture.

"This is your son?"

"I took it yesterday. If you scroll back you'll find a picture of my son from two weeks ago," the woman places the phone in Ziva's gloved hand.

Ziva presses the button, and studies the picture of the baby. "Can I take this?"

"Of course," Mrs. Hayden nods, in agreement.

Ziva slips the phone into the evidence bag. Hours later she finds herself standing in autopsy, with Tony. They both stare at the body, in silence, as Ducky drones on. A few moments later they leave autopsy, and get into the elevator. They are almost back to the squad room, when she flips the elevator off.

"What's on your mind?" he questions.

"He looks familiar."

"From where?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"You think that you know him?"

"He doesn't look familiar to you?"

"I don't know, the name sounds familiar, I just don't know from where."

She flips the switch, and the elevator returns to motion. They walk into the squad room, and find McGee, and Gibbs standing around the plasma.

"What are you guys looking at?"

"I compiled a list."

"A list? Of what?"

"Abby confirmed that the baby in both pictures is the same, and that the time stamps are authentic," McGee reveals.

"So Victoria Hayden, really did see her baby, yesterday?"

"Yes. I looked through Dr. Trainer's bank records. Over the past ten years there are thirty six transactions that correspond to times that he signed off on death certificates of infants. The payments range from twenty-five thousand, to a hundred thousand dollars. He's been receiving three to four payments each year, for the last ten years."

"So you're saying that he was faking their deaths, and selling them on the black market?" Gibbs questions.

"It seems that way," McGee confirms.

"But how?" Ziva poses the question.

The elevator dings, and Abby comes running towards them.

"You got something for me, Abs?" Gibbs inquires.

"I have the how. The doctor used a paralytic agent that would decrease breathing, and respirations to the point that a lay person would be unable to detect them."

"Wouldn't the paramedic be able to figure out that something wasn't right?" McGee quizzes.

"Yes, except the doctor's son is a paramedic."

"He couldn't have responded to everyone of the calls."

"I checked, he did."

"And no one got suspicious?" McGee queries.

"I don't know," she shrugs.

Gibbs turns to McGee, "I need you to run down the list of names, call everyone of the parents on that list."

"How? The names listed are the infants."

"So hack into the department of health's records. Find them. Tony, Ziva, track the last payment back to the person that it came from. I want that little boy back home, before the sun sets."

"Boss, how are we going to confirm this?" McGee questions.

"Can I have the list?"

"Of course," McGee hands him a copy.

Gibbs grabs his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"I've got to find a body to exhume."

"Can I see the list?" Tony questions.


	8. If I Had Only Known

_A/N: Sorry about the mix up. I fixed it. This is the right chap to this story. Enjoy!_

* * *

Gibbs hands him the list. Tony reads through the names of the infants. He points to one.

"I'd start there."

"Something you know that you're not telling me, DiNozzo?"

"Just a hunch, boss."

"Ok," Jethro nods.

Gibbs takes the list, and heads past them, "Boss where are you going?"

"To the cemetery," he replies.

Twenty minutes later he arrives at Greenbrier Cemetery. He finds a groundskeeper, near the entrance.

"You look lost," the groundskeeper comments.

"I'm looking for someone."

"I've worked here for twenty years, I know the place like the back of my hand. If you give me a name, I'll show you the spot."

Jethro points to a name on the list. The groundskeeper leads him to a shiny stone. He stares at the name, and the date, on the stone, and the hair on the back of his neck stands up.

"Can you tell me about the parents of this little girl?"

"Let me see, last name, Nolan..." he searches his memory bank. Finally he comes up with an answer, "Yes, a nice couple. They had a graveside service for her, just the two of them."

"Open, or closed casket?"

"Closed," Hector recalls.

"Anything else? Do you remember what they looked like, what their names were?"

"He was in his thirties, tall, with kind of goofy hair. She was in her twenties, dark hair, dark eyes. They were married, but I don't think they are anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"The man, he visits at least one day, every month. I hadn't seen her, since the funeral, until the other night."

"Was she with anyone?"

"She was with him, but neither of them were wearing rings."

"Do you remember their names?"

"I don't think their name was Nolan."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess they couldn't agree on a name, for her. They were married, but she kept her last name. She wanted the baby to have her last name, and he thought that it should be his. Eventually they decided that neither of them would win that argument, so they would chose something else."

"They chose a random last name, for her?"

"No, there was a reason behind it, but I don't remember what. Part of it was that he didn't want his boss to know."

The car ride is silent. They pull up to the curb, in a suburban neighborhood. She kills the engine, and they get out. They walk up the steps, to a house. She knocks. He watches her, knowing that the case was grating on her nerves. They hear footsteps, a woman comes to the door. They hold out their badges.

"Mrs. Carlisle? I'm Agent DiNozzo, this is Agent David, we're with NCIS. We'd like to ask you a few questions."

"About what?"

"Do you know a man named Kenneth Trainer?" DiNozzo inquires.

"No," she shakes her head.

"What about something called The Guiding Light Foundation?" Ziva wonders.

"Yes. My husband, and I contacted them, about adoption."

"You had a successful adoption?" Tony quizzes.

"Yes," she nods, "My husband, and I wanted a little boy, and they managed to find us a healthy little boy."

"Mrs. Carlisle did you pay them?" Tony probes.

"Yes, we paid for medical care, and miscellaneous fees, why?"

"To the tune of fifty thousand dollars?" Ziva raises an eyebrow.

"Yes, what is this about?"

"Is your son here, now?"

"Where else would he be?"

"Can you go get him please?" Tony insists.

A few moments later the woman returns with the baby. Ziva snaps a picture, and sends it to Abby. Moments later she receives confirmation.

"Ma'am you're going to have to come with us."

"For what?"

"Kidnapping," Ziva reveals.

"Kidnapping? I didn't kidnap anyone."

"That baby was stolen from his parents a week ago. The agency that you went through is not a real agency. It is a scam set up, by a greedy doctor, who has been faking the deaths of infants, for ten years, and selling them, to desperate couples."

"I want to call my lawyer."

"You can call him on the way to the Navy Yard," Tony replies.

Tony is in interrogation with Claire Carlisle. Ziva sits on the opposite side of the glass, watching, as she holds the baby. Gibbs comes into the room, with her. He takes a seat beside her, and watches.

"Ziva?"

"Huh?"

"You should call Mrs Hayden, tell her that we found her son."

"You spoke to Lieutenant Hayden?"

"He confessed, the moment I told him that we found his son. He told me where he threw the weapon, and that his wife had nothing to do with it."

"I'll go call her now."

"Ziva?" she stands up, with the baby in her arms.

"Yes?"

"Sit down," he points to the empty chair. "The phone call can wait."

"Ok," she agrees.

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Something about this case is bothering you."

"How is it that nobody caught on to this, for ten years? There are thirty five more kids out there, that have been taken from their biological parents."

"McGee is tracking them down now."

"Then what?"

"They will all be returned."

"You should take him, I need to go call his mother," she offers the baby to him, trying to get out of the room. As he looks at her she can feel the walls closing in.


	9. Walk On

"Is there something that you want to tell me?"

"Like what?"

"Why Tony sent me to Greenbrier cemetery?"

"He must have thought that the parents would agree to the exhumation."

"But I don't know who they are."

"I am sure that McGee will find them."

"Ziva?"

"Yes, Gibbs?" She stands next to him, holding a sleeping baby, in her arms.

"That call can wait," he repeats.

"I..."

"Do you know why Tony sent me to Greenbrier cemetery?"

"Maybe he recognized the name."

"The last time I checked Tony didn't pay much attention to babies."

"Maybe it was someone he knew."

"If you know what is going on, you need to tell me."

"I can't," she argues.

"Can't, or won't? There is a difference, you know."

She takes a moment. She looks at the sleeping baby, in her arms, and then looks back at Gibbs.

"Nolan's used to be Tony's favorite restaurant."

"So he chose that name off the list, because it was somewhere he used to eat? That's the connection."

"No," she shakes her head, but doesn't elaborate.

"He is your partner. Do you know what is going on, or not?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Then tell me!" he demands.

"He picked the name."

"I know he picked the name."

"No, he picked that last name."

"Why?"

"That is just the one he chose for her."

"Ziva what are you telling me?"

"He chose that name, because he recognized it."

"From where?"

"She was his daughter."

"His daughter? Tony didn't have a daughter," he disagrees.

"There are a lot of things that people choose not to share. Everyone has reasons not to reveal all of their secrets."

"Tony had a daughter?"

"And a wife."

"He told you this?"

"He tells me a lot of things."

"He had a daughter, and a wife?"

She nods, "Yes."

"He was here then, I never knew that."

"He didn't want you to know. He was new. It didn't last anyway, so I guess he decided that it would be best, if you never knew."

"The wife?"

"They got divorced. She filed the papers soon after their daughter died."

"Why?"

"Maybe she just didn't want to have to be reminded of what she lost, everyday, for the rest of her life."

"Does he know where to find her?"

"Yes."

"Do you think that he convince her to agree, to the exhumation?"

"Yes."

"You seem certain."

"She'll agree."

"How do you know? Have you met her? I can't believe that he told you this."

The door comes open. McGee steps in.

"Boss, I have something that you're going to want to see."

Gibbs hands Ziva papers, "Get him to sign these."

She nods in agreement.

Gibbs follows McGee back to the squad room. He stares at the plasma, but McGee says nothing.

"Speak McGee."

"I hacked into the department of health, like you asked me to. I was able to pull up all of the birth, and death certificates for the infants on the list."

"And?"

"And then I began looking through multiple databases, trying to get into contact with the parents."

"Did you have any luck?"

"I called four people, and none of them agreed."

"Did you track down the people who made the payments?"

"Yes. Do you want me to contact them?"

"What did you bring me out here for?"

"Two of the names on the list."

"You recognize them?"

"You will too," he answers as he pulls up a birth certificate, on the plasma.

"Are you sure that this is right, McGee?"

"I think that you're the one who should confirm that."

"Yeah..."

"What do you..."

"Contact child services. Tell them that we're going to be removing thirty five children, from their homes, and we'll need their help."

"We don't have any..."

"Just do it. Call all of the parents, biological, and a adopted. Tell them what's going on. Do not tell the director, what's going on."

"How are we going to..."

"You just leave that up to me," he answers.

He leaves the squadroom. He returns to the interrogation room. He pulls the door open.

"DiNozzo! With me, now!"

DiNozzo follows him into the next room. Ziva looks up as they walk in. Gibbs asks the man operating the equipment to leave.

"Were the two of you ever going to tell me that you had information, crucial to my investigation?"


	10. Because Of You

"What information?" Tony questions.

"Stop! I want the truth. From both of you. Now!"

"Where would you like us to start?" Ziva inquires.

"I don't care, somewhere, would be nice."

"The first time I met her was about nine years ago."

"Neither of you ever mentioned this to me. Why did the two of you act as if you didn't know each other?"

"Neither of us wanted that. Neither of us wanted you to know. We did not want to... relive the past," Ziva admits.

"Keep going," Gibbs insists.

"I didn't ever think that I was going to see her again. One night she showed up at my apartment."

"You were pregnant?"

Ziva simply nods. "Somehow he managed to convince me to marry him."

"You really expect me to believe that the two of you can work together every single day, but you couldn't make your marriage work?"

"It's hard to make a marriage work, when you're the only one who wants to be in it," Tony replies.

"I didn't want to face him every day. I went back to Israel, and I sent divorce papers."

"What happened? That night?"

"She was a couple of weeks old. Ziva had gone back to work, and I was alone with her. I woke up in the middle of the night, to feed her, and..." Tony stops.

"Did you ride to the hospital with her?"

"The paramedic told me that there was really no point, but I couldn't let her go alone. I was supposed to protect her, but... I couldn't."

"Ziva?" Gibbs turns towards her.

"I could not stay. I did not want to face him. I did not want to play the blame game. I left because I knew that if I stayed one of us would end up killing the other one."

"Neither of you could have changed what happened."

"You don't know that," Ziva argues.

"So why did you come back?" Gibbs queries.

"One day I realized that I could not run forever. I knew that no matter how many lives I took, it would never replace the one that I lost. Nothing I could ever do made it any better. I knew that if I stayed there I was going to lose control. I was ready to snap. I wanted to hurt anyone who was even remotely responsible."

"Your father?"

"For expecting me to return to Israel two weeks after her birth. It was unreasonable. It was unreasonable for me to return. I came back, and I was full of hate, and anger. I saw Tony, and I just wanted to put a bullet between his eyes."

"So why didn't you?" Tony wonders.

"Because you weren't the person that I had created, in my mind. You hadn't done anything wrong. When I came back, I remembered what I saw to begin with."

"What's that?" Tony quizzes.

"That goofy grin. I knew that we were never going to be who we were, but... I knew that I could still count on you, and that meant something."

"Neither of you ever let on."

"I guess that I thought some things should stay buried," Ziva responds.

"And I couldn't be that person anymore. I didn't want to be the guy who put himself out there, and lost it all. Sometimes the past is too much to handle, so we try to pretend that it never happened."

"We have always been very good at pretending, but neither of us are that good."

"I still don't understand how the doctor pulled it off. We had never met him before," Tony remarks.

"No, but he had met her," Ziva reveals.

"How do you know?" Tony inquires.

"When she was born we hadn't chosen a pediatrician, he was working the day she was born. He signed her birth certificate," she responds.

"How do you know?"

"I looked at it."

"You have it?" he raises an eyebrow.

"No, I returned it."

"To where? I thought that I had it."

"You do. I broke into your apartment. I found a copy of her birth certificate in a drawer, in your room."

"Why would you break into my apartment?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"Ziver, call Mrs. Hayden, return her son to her. I suggest the two of you eat a good lunch, because it is going to be a long day. We have a lot of people to contact. We have thirty five other children to return to their parents."

They nod. "I'll help McGee make phone calls," Tony agrees.

An hour later Ziva stands at Victoria Hayden's doorstep. She raises her hand to knock on the door, when it opens. Victoria smiles at her, as she holds a carseat, and a diaper bag.

"Here he is," Ziva holds out the carseat.

Victoria takes the carseat, and sits it on the wicker couch, on the corner of the porch. She unbuckles the baby, and lifts him out. She holds the sleeping baby in her arms. She kisses his cheeks. She turns, and looks at Ziva.

"Thank you."

"You are welcome."

"You don't know what this has been like. I couldn't believe that anything happened to him. I... he was perfectly healthy. I guess it's a mother's instinct."

"I should get going, I have a lot of work to do."

"My husband called, he said that the DA offered him a plea."

"Yes."

"He took it."

"Good."

"You take for granted how precious life is, until you lose a child."

"Yes, you do," Ziva agrees.

"Agent David, do you have any children?"

"No," she replies.

"No? I would have guessed otherwise."

"And why is that?"

"The look in your eyes, when you gave him back to me. A look of understanding, that only a mother, would give."

"I _had_ a daughter."

"Had?"

"She would be seven now."

"So you do know what it's like to lose a child?"

"Yes."

"Do you ever accept it? That your child is really gone?"

"No," her eyes fill with tears, "No matter what you try, no matter how much time passes, you never accept it."


	11. What Do You Say

She steps off the elevator, and goes through the doors, to autopsy. She finds Tony, standing inches from the autopsy table. She feels her breath hitch, when she sees the tiny white casket. The casket that he had picked out, for their little girl. She watches closely. Ducky looks at her, and she nods.

He pushes the lid back, and the hinges creak. He peers inside. He looks to them. She finds herself, standing between Tony and the autopsy table, with her head buried in his chest. He looks inside. She feels his lips next to her ear.

"It's ok, there's nothing in there," he reveals.

She turns, and steps away from him. She peeks inside the casket, and finds nothing. No bones, or remains. She watches as Palmer swabs the inside, for any DNA evidence. Finally she fights back the urge to let the tears fall. She swallows, and wills them away. She looks at Ducky, and opens her mouth to speak.

"Ducky, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," he agrees.

"Would you ever keep a mother from seeing her child?"

"No, not even here. I might ask her to wait, if the child had gone through something traumatic, but no. I would never deny a mother the chance to say goodbye to her child."

"We should have known. Why didn't we know that something wasn't right?" she quizzes Tony.

"Because we were so swallowed up by grief, and guilt that we didn't notice. Abby connected the final dot, while you were gone. She found out that Dr. Trainer had a brother in the funeral business."

"How did no one ever connect the dots?" Ziva wonders.

"We think that someone did. Gibbs searched the good doctor's home," Ducky points, "She's what he found in the basement. I am waiting on the consult from the anthropologist, but we believe that she was killed around the time that one of his nurses went missing," Ducky reveals.

She sits at her desk, feeling ill-at-ease. She looks up, McGee makes eye contact.

"Where are we?" she questions.

"Almost there."

"Where is Gibbs?" Tony chimes in.

"He left. He didn't say where he was going."

"How many have you located?" Ziva probes.

"Fourteen. I have contacted all of the adopted parents, and children's services. I have managed to reach all of their biological parents as well."

"Tony?" she turns towards him.

"Ten, same as McGee. Some are in transit."

"Mine too," McGee reveals.

She gets out of her seat. Tony looks up at her, "Where are you going?"

"To see what Abby has."

She heads to the elevator. She quietly makes her way into the lab. Abby's computer dings. Ziva's head pops up.

"Gibbs I don't have anything useful."

"That's ok."

Abby spins around, "You're not Gibbs. It's good news really, that I have nothing."

"How do you figure?"

"It means that no one was ever in that casket."

"What else are you working on?"

"I'm working on DNA confirmations. Children's services has been sending over buccal swabs."

"Good," she chews on her fingernail."You wanna talk about it?"

"About what?"

"The thing that you're not talking about."

"Nope."

"You know that Gibbs didn't tell me anything, right?"

"About what?"

"What you're not talking about."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Something, anything."

"I am not good at waiting."

"What would you like me to do, to make you feel better?"

"There is nothing that you can do."

"I am a great listener."

"I am not sure what you want me to say."

"Whatever you need to say."

"Do you know where the name Nolan came from?"

"The etymology, of it? I think that it's Irish, but..."

"No. Where he came up with it?"

"What? Who?"

"Gibbs really didn't tell you anything?"

"No. He said it was need to know."

"And you were ok with that?"

"No, he told me that if you thought that I needed to know, you would tell me."

"Tony chose the last name Nolan, because it is the restaurant he ate at the night that she was conceived."

"Tony?"

"Eden's father."

"What? He had a daughter?"

"Yes."

"With who? What else don't I know about him?"

"He was married."

"Was?"

"A lot of people find it impossible to overcome the loss of a child. Sometimes it's not possible, to stay together."

"How would you know? He told you this?"

"I was there."

"You were there?"

"Yes."

"I don't understand. How were you there?"

"Tony and I..."

"You and Tony what?"

"We..."

"He was married?"

"Yes."

"To you?"

"Yes."

"And you had a little girl?"

"Yes," a single tear rolls down her cheek.


	12. Nothing To Lose

She sits at her desk, and watches the sun come up. He sits across the squad room from her. McGee sits at his desk, resting his face, on his keyboard. Thirty children had been returned. Two had died, one in a car accident, one from leukemia. Two of the children's biological parents decided that it would be best for them to stay in the care of the adopted parents. Another stayed with adopted parents because the biological father was in prison, for killing the biological mother. And then there was one more. One whose file they couldn't even locate, one who they couldn't find. There was no trace. They had hacked, and finagled, and searched, but nothing. The only one who mattered, was the only one they couldn't find.

She stares at Tony, tired, and drained. He looks back at her, and he feels her heartsickness. He feels the weight of disappointment. He looks over at McGee.

"I guess we should go home."

"We should wait on Gibbs," McGee answers.

"For what? We don't know where he is, or when he is coming back. We've been here for twenty three hours. We're all tired."

"So we'll nap, while we wait," Ziva replies.

"Like you'll actually fall asleep."

She stares at him, in annoyance, "You're a jerk when you're sleep deprived. The two of you can take naps, if you want, but... I am sure I won't be able to fall asleep."

"Zi," he begins.

She cuts him off, "You're not going to talk me down off this ledge."

"I know that you..."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You never want to talk about it."

"Here is not the place."

"Where is the place? Our secret is out. Everybody knows. What else do you have to lose? We have already lost everything that ever mattered."

"I do not want to say something that I will regret later."

"Like what? Whatever you have to say to me, I have already said to myself."

"I never should have left her alone, with you."

"Because I was incapable, of taking care of her?"

"Because you shouldn't have had to take care of her on your own. It was my place. I never should have left."

"You are the one who chose your job."

"You still think that? You still think that I chose my job, over her?"

"Yes."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you left our two week old baby. You left, and you didn't know when you were coming back. You didn't know if you were coming back. It was selfish."

"I am sorry. It was selfish, but what did you expect? I was too young, and naive to know better. When you were that age..."

"I was a frat boy. How often do you have to bring that up?"

"I..."

"I never wanted you to go."

"So then why did you let me?"

"Because I never could stop you."

"You never tried."

"I tried, I could never seem to come up with a good enough reason to make you stay. You are always running. You are still running."

"I am not running. I have nowhere to go, besides you cannot run from yourself, and we both know that is who I am running from."

"So why didn't you ever stay?"

"You never made me."

"What was I supposed to do? Hide your passport? Chain you to the bed? Hide your keys? Call up your father, and tell him that you wouldn't be coming back? What was I supposed to do?"

"Fight, harder."

"How? When you never fight fair?"

"All you had to do was ask."

"I asked, I begged."

"Not that night. Not the only time that mattered."

"I was trying to be supportive. I didn't want you to feel like you were giving something up, for me."

"I would have done it."

"You would have given it all up? I find that hard to believe. I mean how many times did you put our unborn child in harms way, because you weren't willing to give it up?"

"I was reckless, and stupid. I made mistakes, but the biggest one was..." she feels her chest tighten, and her heart race. She stops.

"The biggest one was me? Is that what you were going to say?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"So what was the biggest mistake? Are you still blaming yourself for leaving that night?"

"The biggest mistake, was walking away, when I should have stayed."

"What?"

"You should have fought harder, but... I should have too. I should not have given in, so easily."

"So why did you?"

"I was young, and no one had ever told me that there were any other options. I had not yet learned that you cannot walk away, every time things don't go your way."

"You don't. Sometimes you..."

"Sometimes I took lives, instead."

"You went there, I didn't."

"I just wanted to be able to fix it, and I couldn't. I..."

"You took it out on..."

"Anyone I could. I was angry, and I didn't know how to deal with that, so I did what I knew."

"That was then."

"And now, I have learned to deal with things differently."

"But you never let it out."

"I don't like to talk about it."

"You'd rather beat the shit out of someone?"

"Yes."

"And when you're done? Does it fix what's broken, inside of you?"

"No, because nobody can ever fill in the missing pieces."

"I know."

He gets out of his seat. He goes over to her desk. He squats next to her chair. He looks into her eyes, "Believe me, I know."

She leans forward, into his arms.


	13. For My Broken Heart

McGee drools onto his keyboard. Tony sleeps on the floor, behind Ziva's desk. Ziva sits in her chair, willing her eyelids to stay open. She feels them drooping, when the elevator dings. She looks over, and watches as NCIS agents file off. She rests her head on her fists, and her elbows on her desk. She closes her eye for a moment. She listens as the elevator door closes. When she opens her eyes, she finds Abby standing in front of her desk. She looks around and sees cups on each of their desks.

"Did you get any sleep?"

"Yes, you?"

She looks at her watch, "Twenty five minutes."

Abby holds the cup out to her, "Drink up."

"I don't drink coffee."

"That's good, because it's tea."

"Oh. Have you heard from Gibbs?"

"Nope."

"You don't know where he went?"

"No clue."

"He didn't say anything to you."

"He told me not to quote rule three, because he would be."

"Unreachable?"

"Yes," Abby nods.

She yawns.

"Ziva?"

"Yes, Abby?"

"Trust him."

"I do, but..."

"If anyone can do the impossible, it's him."

"What if even he can't? He is not a magician."

"That's debatable."

"Where could he have gone?"

"I don't know," Abby shrugs.

"I just..."

"I know."

Ziva's stomach growls. Abby smiles, and turns, and grabs the box off of Tony's desk. She hands it to Ziva. She flips it open. Ziva stares at the muffins.

"You should have gotten him a jelly doughnut. I love to watch him splatter all over himself, because he acts surprised about it, every single time."

"That's terrible," he comments.

"Go back to sleep," she tells him.

"How could I sleep?"

"You were snoring half an hour ago."

"I meant now that there is coffee sitting on my desk, how could I sleep?" His head pops up. He rubs his eyes, and reaches for the cup.

"Timmy, up, and at 'em!" Abby barks.

His head lifts off the desk, with the keyboard attached. Tony chuckles.

"Real mature DiNozzo."

"You shouldn't fall asleep with your face on the keyboard. It's just asking for trouble," Ziva points out.

Tony stretches, "So how long before Gibbs calls us, and tells us that we've got a dead body?"

"I'd say five minutes," McGee replies.

"Timmy be careful, don't get that in your eye," Abby scolds as he pours the nail polish remover on the keyboard.

"I can't see where it's going, with my eyes closed."

"Well try. You need to see, to do your job."

"Abby how is it that you can be so chipper, so early in the morning?" Tony questions, "Do you take happy pills, or something?"

"Caffeine. It's not a secret."

"That's it?"

"Yep," she nods.

"So does the director know?" McGee inquires.

"We were told to keep him out of the loop," Ziva reminds.

"Yeah, but does he know?" McGee wonders.

"Not as far as I know," Tony replies.

"Is he in yet?" Ziva quizzes.

"He's in a conference in Boston, for the week," Abby reveals.

"Are you sure?"

"That's why Gibbs has an extra pile of paperwork on his desk," Abby points out.

"That might be why he is unreachable," Ziva adds.

"Maybe," Abby shrugs.

"Did he go home?" McGee asks.

"I don't know McGrumpy. Maybe you should call him, and ask."

"He's unreachable," McGee responds.

"McGee, go back to sleep," Abby orders.

"Wake up when you have regrown your brain cells," Tony adds.

"You guys should all go home, and get some sleep."

Tony yawns, "Abby we're waiting on Gibbs."

"You could have gone home, and come back, by now."

"We didn't know how long he'd be gone."

"Or if he's coming back," Tony retorts.

"He wouldn't leave without saying goodbye," Abby contends.

"Maybe we should just call him," McGee suggests.

"He is unreachable!" Tony exclaims.

"He said that he was, but have any of us tried to call him?"

"He'll be back soon," Abby slips up.

"You said that you hadn't talked to him. Did you talk to him?" Ziva raises an eyebrow.

"He called and said to get you guys up, because he'd be back soon."

"How long ago was that?" Tony wonders.

"Before I went to get coffee, over an hour ago, I guess."

"So why didn't you mention that?"

"Because I thought that I'd let you guys wake up first," she answers.

The elevator doors open. Tony watches Gibbs step off. He notices someone draped over his shoulder. He points. Ziva turns, and watches as Gibbs nudges the little girl. She wakes up, and he sits her on the floor.

She has long, ash brown hair, secured by a headband. She rubs her sleepy green eyes. Ziva quickly gets out of her chair. She walks around Gibbs. He smiles at her, and motions her on.

In the blink of an eye her arms are wrapped around the little girl. She lifts her off the ground. She holds her tightly. Tony joins her. She passes the little girl off to him. After several moments he sets her on the ground.

She looks up at Gibbs.

"Do you need something Eden?"

She smiles, and turns towards Tony, and Ziva, "Can you take me home now, I'm sleepy, it was a long flight," she yawns.

"Of course," Tony agrees.


	14. For The Living

She opens her eyes, and the sun is pouring in the window. She looks at the scene before her. She quickly realizes that she is not in her bed. Instead she finds herself in Tony's king sized bed. He sleeps soundly, on the other side. Between them is a little girl. Ziva just stares at her. She has Tony's eyes and lips. She's got Ziva's nose, and ears, and her hair line. The little girl's hair is long, but nearly as dark as Ziva's. Instead it is ash brown. She had been born with a head full of dark hair, but it made sense that it had changed. After all as a child Ziva's hair had been lighter, and Tony was born blonde. Movement in the bed derails her train of thought.

Tony rolls onto his side, he looks over at her. She makes eye contact.

"So now what?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

His phone ringing early in the morning wakes her up. He quickly answers it, hoping not to wake Eden in the process.

"Hello? No. I can't. Yes, I'm sure. I know, but this is more important," he hangs up. She rolls back over, and her phone rings. She flips it open, and answers.

"Hello?"

"Ziva? I need you, we've got a dead Marine, in Norfolk."

"I can't."

"You can't?"

"I know that I owe you everything, but, I'm not leaving here."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"How..."

"I will take my emergency vacation."

"Vance isn't going to be happy about this."He still doesn't know?"

"I haven't told him, but someone should."

"I'll come in and fill out the paper work for my time off, later. I'll tell him them."

"Ok."

"Goodbye," she tells him.

"Ziva, keep those priorities straight," he reminds her.

"I am."

"I know," he hangs up.

She places the phone on the stand next to the bed. She finds herself wide awake. She slips out of the bed, and goes into the kitchen. She turns on the coffee pot, and sits on the counter, waiting for the coffee to brew. She hears footsteps, coming towards her.

"What are you doing up?"

"The phone woke me up," she yawns.

"Go back to sleep."

"I like to get up early," she reveals.

"Are you ok? You haven't said much."

"It was a long flight."

"You keep saying that, but you slept most of the day."

"You have a lot of questions?"

"Yes."

"Like?"

"A flight from where?"

"New Mexico."

"New Mexico?"

"We were in witness protection."

"Why?"

"Because of my adoptive mother's stupid fiance, Gus."

"He witnessed a murder?"

"No. He saw a someone stealing from the company he was working at."

"You don't seem upset."

"About what?"

"That you are here," Ziva replies.

"Why would I be?"

"Because you were taken away from the only parent that you've ever known."

"I have always known that I was adopted. Sarah told me that. She loved me, but I couldn't help but feel like something was always missing."

"You're not upset," Ziva makes the realization.

"No. I have met other adopted kids, ones who knew they were adopted, but... none of them seemed to feel the same way I did. It wasn't that I don't like Sarah, but I never felt like she was my mom. And she could never tell me anything about you. She didn't know. I wanted to know the whole story."

"The whole story?"

"Tony's your partner, and my father, but the two of you aren't together, are you?"

She looks into the little girl's sleepy green eyes, "No."

"Were you ever together?"

"We were married."

"What happened?"

"I was young, and... there are some things that you do, that you wish you could take back."

"Like me?"

"No. That is not what I meant."

"Like what?"

"Sometimes in life things do not go the way you wanted them to. Life is hard, sometimes, but you cannot always choose to walk away, when things get hard to handle. I should not have walked away."

"Walked away?"

"From my marriage, from your father."

"What happened? Gibbs didn't tell me. He just said that you would make me understand."

"There was a doctor, who managed to fake the deaths of thirty six children. A man shot him, to prove that his child was still alive."

"And was he?"

"Yes, he was still alive."

"And?"

"And along the way we found out about the other thirty five children."

"I was one of them?"

"Yes," she nods.

"You thought that I was dead?"

"I never really wanted to believe it, no mother ever wants to believe that her child is dead, but yes."

"For how long?"

"Nearly your entire life."

"How long exactly?"

"Since you were two weeks old. Tony woke up one night, and... you had stopped breathing. The paramedic said that there wasn't anything he could do. They pronounced you dead, at the hospital."

"Where were you?"


	15. Hard Truths

She takes a moment, to collect her thoughts. The little girl's question cuts through her, like a knife. Finally she is able to come up with the strength to answer.

"Israel."

"Israel? Why where you there?"

"It is where I am from."

"But why were you there, if I was here?"

"It is where my job was."

"Your job was there?"

"Yes. I was supposed to go back for two weeks. I got off the flight, and went to get some rest, and when I woke up the next morning, your grandfather was waiting on me."

"That is unusual?"

"Yes. I went back to the airport, and came back to D.C."

"I was already dead?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you stay married?"

"The reasons all seem, very silly now."

"Didn't you love him?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Do you still love him?"

"Yes," she answers.

"So what happened?"

"I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"That he would blame me. That if I stayed I would be reminded of you, every day, and that wasn't a thought that I could bear."

"Why didn't he make you stay?"

"He didn't know how."

"If he did?"

"It wouldn't have mattered. When my mind is set to do something, there is no stopping me."

"Why did you come back?"

"My brother, Ari."

"He is here?"

"He was here."

"Was?"

"He's dead."

"How?"

"I think that we should discuss that, when you are older."

"How much older?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"I know that people die. I am old enough to understand that."

"There are some things about the world, that I would prefer that you not understand, just yet."

"You're trying to protect me?"

"That is my job."

"He told me not to ask you."

"Who told you not to ask me what?"

"Gibbs, he told me not to ask you if you've ever killed someone."

"Oh."

"You have?"

"Why don't we talk about something else?"

"It is part of your job."

"Yes," she nods.

"Then the rest isn't important."

"No, it's not," Ziva agrees.

"You like coffee?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"So why are you making it?" Eden asks, as Ziva slips a cup out of the cupboard. She pours some black swill inside.

"He doesn't have tea."

"Your boss didn't know about me."

"No."

"Why not? Tony is your partner and..."

"Tony, and I agreed never to bring it up."

"Why?"

"Some memories are too painful to relive."

"But I'm not dead."

She smiles, "No, you're not."

"Is that for me?" Tony steps into the kitchen, and reaches for the cup of coffee.

"No, but you can have it."

"You're not going to drink it," he points out.

"No."

"Why didn't you make some tea?"

"You don't have any."

"You didn't look hard enough," he argues.

"Really?"

He grabs a sealed, yellow, plastic container off the top of the refrigerator. He opens the lid, and pulls out a bag of tea. He hands it to her.

"It's your favorite," he adds.

"My favorite? Do you even know what that is?"

"Jasmine," he answers.

She stares at him in silence. Eden stands between them. She looks up at them.

"Do you guys always fight like this?" she questions.

"We're not fighting, just bickering."

"You guys bicker like married people," Eden reveals.

"We spend a lot of time together," Tony admits.

"You're going to be spending a lot more time together."

"Yes, we are," Tony realizes.

"I guess we will," Ziva comments.

"So, princess, what would you like for breakfast?" Tony questions.

"I'm not a princess," she answers.

"Eden, what do you want for breakfast?"

"Blueberry pancakes," she smiles.

"I guess we're going out," he replies.


	16. To Die Happy

She looks at the perfect, angelic little face, in the backseat of the car. She had tried to picture her, but even her best picture, didn't compare. She never could have imagined that she would be so beautiful. There was no denying, she was a beautiful girl. Her features were a perfect balance of hers, and Tony's.

If she died today, she could die happy. She could die at peace. Finally she had seen her child's smile, and it was more incredible than she had ever imagined. She was missing a tooth, and the corners of her eyes still had sleep in them, but it was a perfect moment. This was not what she had pictured, when she pictured her life, but then again, she never had been very good at predicting the future.

_November 8th 2002:_

_The steam from the shower she has just exited fills up her bathroom. She stands in front of the mirror, wrapped in a towel. Another towel is wrapped around her head. She wipes the condensation from her mirror. She takes a deep breath, and wills away the nausea she feels. She stares at herself in the mirror. She makes a face of disgust, upon seeing her pale face, with big, dark circles, under her eyes. She was too young to feel this tired, and run down. She was too young to have dark circles. She was too young to be nauseated by the thought of going to work. _

_The feeling of nausea does not pass, as it had, so many mornings before. Instead she feels her breakfast rocketing into the toilet bowl. Moments later once she regains the sensation in her legs, she returns to the sink. She brushes, swishes, and flosses. What was wrong with her? Had she hit her head recently? Was that a legitimate question? The day before she had been a few yards from an explosion. The day before was spent on a plane chasing after a terrorist, followed by a serious beating. On his part mostly, but she had taken a few punches. If only her father could find her a worthy opponent, just once._

_Really this week had been no different than any other, so why did she feel so crappy, all of the sudden? Was she sick? Of course not, she didn't get sick. Except, she had just thrown up. That wasn't exactly normal for her. In fact it was completely out of the ordinary. Had she eaten something bad? She hadn't eaten a whole lot in the past two days, actually. She had been fighting the nauseous feeling, for weeks. Weeks? It wasn't something she ate. Bad food didn't sit around in a stomach that long. Maybe her water was contaminated. Yeah, that was the problem. _

_She looks in the mirror, and tries to shake the feeling that something is wrong. She opens the cabinet, and looks inside. She tries to locate hair product. No gel, no mousse. She looks on the counter, and notices a can of hairspray. She picks it up, and realizes it's empty. She tosses it into the trash can. She looks into the cabinet. Why was she out of everything? She usually went to the store to replenish her supplies every few weeks. Not that she was high maintenance, but it took a lot of work to keep her hair tamed, to a manageable level. _

_She takes mental notes of the contents of the shelves of her medicine cabinet. Toothpaste, nearly gone. No gel, no mousse. Q-tips, getting low. Moisturizer, she picks up the bottle, only to find out that it is nearly empty. What was the problem? When was the last time she had gone to the store? There is a full bottle of perfume. Of course, she didn't wear perfume. Nail polish remover, nearly full, not that she used it that often. She rarely had the time, or occasion to paint her nails. She stares at a box, near the center of the middle shelf. She takes it out, and examines it. It too is unopened. _

_That didn't make any sense. Did it? She races out of the bathroom, into her bedroom. She flips on the TV. The date stares at her, as the newscaster jabbers on. November 8th? That couldn't be right. Could it? She goes over to her bedside stand, and opens the drawer. She takes out her gun, and pulls out the planner underneath. She flips through the pages. She sinks onto the bed, as the realization hits her._

_It had been... she didn't know how long. But she had been busy with work, and there was no time for extra-curricular activities. There was that night, in D.C., but... it had been... seven weeks? Seven weeks. This was not good._

_November 9th, 2002-She returns home, in the early morning hours. She makes a bee line for the bathroom, knowing that she wouldn't sleep, until she knew. She places the urine-soaked stick on the counter, and climbs into the shower, to wipe away the dirt of the day. Seven minutes later she climbs out. One towel wrapped around her body, one around her head. She wipes the condensation off her mirror. She looks at herself. She does not look any different than she had earlier that day. _

_Finally she takes a look at the plastic stick on the bathroom counter, next to the sink. Two pink lines stare back at her. She grabs the box of the counter, and reads the back of it, for the fifth time. There was no confusion, no doubt. She was definitely pregnant. She had been pregnant, for weeks, seven weeks. This was absurd, she couldn't be. Could she? She stares at the stupid plastic stick. It was evidence that she was, but how did she not know? In all the time how had she not seen any indication? She hadn't wanted to, that was for sure. She hadn't wanted this, she hadn't asked for this._

_How was she supposed to stay at Mossad, if she had a baby? Was she really asking herself that? She was thinking about having this baby? There was no way she could stay at Mossad, if she had a baby. She couldn't have a baby on her own, with no job, to support herself. If her father found out... he would kill her, and that would be it. Why was she worried about it? Was she really considering this? Was she losing her mind?_

_She closes the lid of the toilet. She sinks onto the seat. She stares at the plastic stick, in her hands. A baby? She was too young for a baby. After all, she wasn't even twenty yet, and she wouldn't be for three days. A baby, with a stranger? A man half-way across the world. There was no making it work, so why was she trying to figure out a way? Why was she trying to come up with a scenario, where this could work? Was she really ready to give up everything? For a baby? She had years, before she needed to think about settling down, and having a child, but... she was pregnant now._

_With a baby. She was having a baby. She didn't know anything about babies. She knew about guns, and knives, and pretending to be fearless. She knew how to hold her liquor, and drink men under the table. She knew how to place her bets, and take everyone else's chips, in poker. She knew a lot of things, but how to be a mother, wasn't one of them. _

_Her cell phone rings from the other room. She grabs it, and takes a seat on the bed. She pulls it to her ear._

_"Shalom?"_

_"Are you ok?"_

_"Mom, why are you calling? It is nearly four o'clock in the morning."_

_"I was just thinking about you."_

_"I am fine."_

_"You sound like something is wrong."_

_"No..." she knows lying is no use. Her mother had always known. She never figured out how, but her mother always knew when she was lying._

_"Do not lie to me."_

_"I will be fine. Go to sleep."_

_"Sleep? I'm in D.C."_

_"Why?"_

_"I'm here, with your step-father. He had a conference to attend."_

_"Can I go now?"_

_"Wait..."_

_"I am tired," she argues._

_"I have to tell you why I called."_

_"To check up on me?"_

_"No I had to cal land tell you something important."_

_"What's that?"_

_"Eden?"_

_"Eden? What is that supposed to mean?"_

_"I don't know, it came to me while I was napping."_

_"It? You dreamed about the word Eden?"_

_"Not exactly."_

_"So what was the dream about?"_

_"Well it was a dark headed baby, named Eden."_

_"You dreamed about a baby?"_

_"Yes. Is there something you want to tell me?"_

_"Not tonight," she hangs up. She pulls on pajamas, and tosses her towels into the laundry basket. She collapses into bed, no longer wrestling with her thoughts._


	17. Not Now

_June 23rd, 2003:_

_He watches her as she sleeps. He knew that she was in pain, but somehow she was asleep. She had been in labor for four hours, he figured it would be another twelve, before he'd get to meet his daughter. He watches the monitors. He sits in a chair, next to her bed, and holds her hand. He looks at the clock. 0312, it was going to be a very long day. _

_She squeezes his hand, and her eyes pop open. He looks over at the monitor. He watches as his hand turns red, and the contraction plateaus. He smiles at her, and brushes the hair out of her face._

_"So how long do you think it will be?" he questions._

_"Not long," she answers._

_"You seem convinced. The doctor said that it could be hours."_

_"Could be, but it won't."_

_"You don't know that."_

_"I don't?"_

_"The nurse hasn't checked your progress in... an hour."_

_"She will be back soon."`_

_"You didn't bring your gun did you?"_

_"No."_

_"And your knife? You left that at home, right?"_

_"If you say so."_

_"What do you need a knife for?"_

_"I like to be prepared."_

_"For what? We're having a baby, not starting a war."_

_"You never know what can happen. Why are you asking about my weapons?"_

_"I would prefer to live to actually see our child."_

_"I will not kill you. If I was going to... I wouldn't need a gun or a knife."_

_"Why did you refuse the pain medication?"_

_"We have been over this a hundred times."_

_"You have nothing to prove."_

_"I am fine," her face scrunches as another contraction hits. Her face turns red, but she doesn't tense up. At least she tries not to. There is a knock on the door, and a nurse steps into the room. She smiles and pulls on a pair of gloves._

_"I am going to check your progress," she informs her._

_The contraction subsides, and Tony watches the monitor, instead of the nurse. He shifts his glance, when he hears her pull her gloves off. _

_"I'm going to go grab the doctor," she smiles._

_"For what? Is something wrong?" _

_"Nope. She's fully dilated. I'm going to call the doctor, and have her start pushing."_

_"Really? We've only been here two hours. An hour ago when you checked her she was at five."_

_"Sometimes it happens quicker than we expect," the nurse replies._

_She leaves the room. She returns moments later. She pulls on gown, and gloves, and adjusts the bed. _

_"Where's the doctor?" _

_"He's finishing up in c-section. He'll be up here in about five minutes."_

_"But..." Tony begins to protest._

_"Don't worry, it will take longer than that."_

_Another nurse comes into the room. The younger nurse, with the smile, and the gown on, speaks, "On this next contraction I want you to push."_

_Ziva nods in understanding. Tony watches Ziva. He keeps his eyes locked on hers, not particularly interested in watching the miracle of childbirth. _

_0319- _

_The doctor walks into the room, as the nurse delivers the shoulders. He quickly suits up, and switches her places. With one final push the baby is out. The doctor clamps the cord. Tony cuts it, and the doctor places the baby on Ziva's chest. _

_"There she is," the doctor announces. _

_0500-_

_Ziva is sleeping, when they bring the little girl in from the nursery. Tony scoops her out of the basinet, relieved that they have wiped the slime off of her. He takes a seat, in the chair next to Ziva's bed. He stares at the baby, who is wide awake._

_He pulls her hat off her head, he looks at her head full of dark hair. She looks up at him. He smiles._

_"Hi, beautiful girl. It's nice to finally meet you." _

_The baby's fingers go into her mouth. He places the hat back on her head. _

_"Do your finger taste good, Eden?"_

_He hears the sheets on the bed rustle. He looks over, and finds Ziva's eyes wide open. He smiles, and hands the baby to her. _

_She stares at the newborn in silence. He tries to read her expression, but he finds it impossible. _

_"You're being quieter than usual. What are you thinking?"_

_"That she's beautiful."_

_"She's perfect," he agrees._

_"I never believed in love at first sight."_

_"Neither did I."_

_"Until today," she admits._

_"I know what you mean. I saw her chubby little face, and even though she was covered in goo, and slime, I couldn't help but think, that it was the most beautiful face I've ever seen."_

_"Do you think we're biased?"_

_"Yes."_

_"She's the cutest baby in the nursery?"_

_"In my opinion, she is."_

_"Probably just because she's ours."_

_"I suppose that may have something to do with it."_

_"How am I ever going to leave her?"_

_"I thought you said it wasn't going to be a problem. We agreed it was what you wanted to do."_

_"It was, but... that was before I saw her."_

_"You've changed your mind?"_

_She shrugs, never taking her eyes off the little girl, "I do not know."_

_"We will figure things out, if you don't want to."_

_"I feel like I have to."_

_"You don't."_

_"I will always wonder, if I choose not to. I do not want to feel any resentment, towards you, or towards her."_

_"You have to do it, for yourself, and I understand that."_

_"But are you ok with it?"_

_"I will learn to be."_

_"You are going to be alone with her. Are you sure that you can handle that?"_

_"Listen, Mama Bear, sometimes I am going to have to fly solo on this, and you are going to have to learn to live with that."_

_"What if you drop her?"_

_"I won't."_

_"But..."_

_"Calm down, I won't let anything happen to her," he promises._

He looks in the rearview, at the little girl in the backseat. His little girl, their little girl. Their daughter. She was beautiful, just like her mother. And her eyes, there were flickers of mischief in them, every now, and then, just like him.

He looks over at Ziva. She stares at the light in front of them. He looks up at the light, and notices it is green. He puts his foot on the accelerator. Moments later they arrive at their destination. He pulls into a spot on the curb, and puts the car in park. Ziva unlocks the door, and Eden hops out of the back seat.

She looks at him. Her eyes search his, she looks at him, in confusion.

"Are you coming?"

"Yeah."

"Something wrong?"

"I'm sorry," he tells her.

"For what?"

"Breaking my promise to you."

"What promise?"

"I promised you that I wouldn't let anything happen to her..."

She looks at him, and tilts her head. She waits a moment, and then responds, "You have to let it go."

"I..."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Not, now," she warns.

He nods, and climbs out of the car, joining them on the sidewalk.


	18. Falling Out Of Love

They find themselves in the car, again, on the way to the Navy yard, after breakfast. Ziva climbs into the front seat, Eden into the back.

"Eden?"

"Hm?"

"What did Sarah call you?" Tony questions.

"I don't understand the question," she replies.

"Your name..." he responds.

"She called me Eden."

"She called you Eden?"

"Yes."

"She knew that was your name?" Ziva wonders.

"What do you mean?" Eden furrows her brow.

"That is the name that we gave you," Ziva clarifies.

"I asked her what my name was before, and she didn't know."

"Where did she come up with the name?" Tony wonders.

"She was in Eden Prairie, Minnesota when she got the call about me."

"What is your middle name?"

"Paige. I've never really cared for it, but I didn't get a choice."

"Eden Paige?" Tony scowls, "It doesn't really go together."

"You are just saying that because you chose the middle name that she was born with," Ziva adds.

"It sounds better," he argues.

"What is it?" Eden inquires.

"Isabella."

"Eden Isabella DiNozzo?" she furrows her brow.

"No," Tony shakes his head.

"Eden Isabella David?"

"Nope," Tony admits.

"So what was it?"

Ziva feels it roll off her tongue, "Eden Isabella Nolan."

"Nolan?" Eden looks at her mother's reflection, in the rearview mirror.

"We couldn't agree on a last time. She wanted hers, I wanted mine. Finally we decided that we would choose something else, so that you could be your own person."

"Where did you come up with the name Nolan?" Eden asks.

"You have to understand that Tony... that your father is controlled mainly by one thing," Ziva begins.

"And what would that be, exactly?" he quips.

"His gut," she smiles.

"His gut?"

"It is a restaurant that we went to together. It happened to be his favorite at the time."

"They must have had great food."

"It wasn't really about the food," Tony reveals.

"So what was it about?" Eden probes.

"That is a very good question," Ziva comments.

"You don't know?" he glances at her.

She shakes her head, "No."

He smiles widely, "It's where I fell in love with you."

"You never told me that," Ziva realizes.

"You never asked."

"You can't fall out of love, can you?" Eden raises an important question.

She doesn't get an answer, from either of them.

"Can you?" she repeats the question.

"Why are you asking?" Tony quizzes.

"No reason," she lies.

"There has to be a reason," Tony argues.

"I know parents aren't always together. I am ok with that, but... if you really love someone, you should never let them go. Should you?"

"No," Tony answers quickly.

Ten minutes later they find themselves in the squad room. Gibbs approaches them.

"Vance wants to see the two of you, in his office," he reveals.

They nod, Eden takes a seat at Ziva's desk. They start up the stairs, and Gibbs stands at Ziva's desk, talking to Eden.

"So, how is it going?"

"Fine."

"They're behaving themselves?"

"They fight."

"Yep, they always do. It's nothing to be worried about. It's how they solve their problems."

"You didn't know about them?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Neither of them ever let on. They are both good at glossing over the tough times in their lives."

"Do you think that they still love each other?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"Do you think that they did?"

"I couldn't tell you," he responds.

"So, what do you know?"

"They both love you, and... for now, that will have to be enough."

"Agent Gibbs?"

"Yes, Eden?"

"Does it ever work?"

"Does what ever work?"

"Marriage?"

"Sometimes. It isn't easy, though. Things happen, and you don't how to deal with them, or you can't face that person, because of what has happened. Losing a child... it could tear even the strongest couple apart."

"I'm not lost anymore."

"No, you're not," he smiles.

"Do you think that they'll ever be able to fix it?"

"They've both seen a lot of heartbreak. Going back, isn't always so easy."

"I am not asking them to go back."

"What do you want?"

"For them to pick up the pieces. You can't break a dish, and leave the broken pieces on the floor. If you leave the pieces you step on them. You step on them, and the pain is always there, if you do nothing to fix it."

"I know, but they haven't figured that out yet. They will, you've just got to give them time."

"I'm seven, I've got nothing, but time," she smiles.


	19. Couples Counseling

He watches them as they walk down the stairs. Tony shakes his head, clearly irritated. Ziva wrings her hands, in annoyance. Gibbs head tilts up.

"So what is your punishment?"

"You don't want to know," she replies.

They enter his office, he stands at his desk, waiting on them. He chews on a toothpick.

"Have a seat," he orders.

They sink into the chairs, on the opposite side of him.

"Can we make this quick? We have a life to get back to," Tony smarts off.

"Agent DiNozzo, don't press your luck."

"Press my luck? I haven't done anything wrong."

"I considered asking the two of you for your badges."

"For what?" Ziva chimes in.

"The two of you lied. To me. To Gibbs. To everyone," his nostrils flare.

"No," she shakes her head, "We never lied."

"Really? What do you call it then? The two of you knew each other, years before anyone's knowledge. The two of you had a romantic relationship. The two of you were married. You had a daughter," with each sentence his voice grows louder.

"We never lied," Tony agrees.

"You never lied? How do you figure that, Agent DiNozzo?"

"No one ever asked," he replies.

"No one should have had to ask."

"Really," Ziva raises an eyebrow, "Because that information is not something you to disclose to just anyone. At the most we withheld information, but we never lied."

"You don't think that your personal involvement with Agent DiNozzo led to bad judgment calls?"

"As long as I have worked here, my relationship with him has nothing but professional."

"You don't think that your feelings for him ever clouded you judgment."

"What is it that you hope to achieve here? If you want our guns, and our badges take them," she shouts, and un-holsters her weapon.

"I want answers," Vance reveals.

"Answers? You think that we owe you answers? We owe you nothing."

"Why did you stay?"

"Why did I stay?"

"Your stay here was supposed to be a liaison officer."

"I was reminded that there are people who I can trust, people who will always have my back. That is why I chose to stay."

"I hope that the two of you do not expect for me to look the other way."

"The other way? Nothing is going on. What do you want from us?"

"The truth."

"Director Vance, I have wanted the truth more times than I can count. I have begged, pleaded, prayed for answers, that rarely came. For nearly eight years I asked one question, why? I just wanted to know why. I wanted to know why God took the only thing that made me human, the only person who I needed to survive. And then I found out that it wasn't God, it was some psycho, who was looking for a payday. Do not tell me that you want the truth, because you do not. You want us to tell you what you want to hear. And, I am tired of playing that game. I am tired of pretending that everything is ok, because it is not. Everything is not ok. I understand why you would question my judgment. I was once married to my partner, but that does not matter."

"You are telling me that it doesn't change things?" Vance interrupts.

"Of course it does, it is why we are so good at what we do."

"Here is what is going to happen. If the two of you want to continue working here, you are going to have to jump through a hoop for me."

"Haven't we jumped through enough hoops for you? Ziva nearly lost her life because of you," Tony reminds him.

"You will go to counseling, or you will find new jobs," Vance lays out the ultimatum.

"Counseling? For what?"

"You are going to go to couples counseling, Agent David."

"Couples counseling? We are not a couple," she argues.

"No, but you were. You are a couple of people who have a child together. You are partners, and if you want to continue to remain partners you will do this."

"For how long?" Tony questions.

"Two sessions a week, for six weeks. After that I will re-evaluate."

"And until then?"

"You make one wrong move, and I will not hesitate to cut both of you loose. Are we understood?"

"Of course," Tony nods, in contempt.

Gibbs looks at them, and smiles. He starts to laugh.

"What's so funny boss?" McGee wonders as he enters the room.

"Vance banished them to couples counseling."

"Good," McGee smiles.

"Good? You are going to pay for saying that probie," Tony warns.

"Maybe the director should send you and McGee to couples counseling too," Ziva jokes.

"Ooh, and then he could send Abby and Gibbs, and Ducky, and Palmer, too," Tony counters.

"Can't you get us out of this?" Ziva wonders.

"Nope, wouldn't, even if I could," Gibbs replies.

"Why not?" Tony whines.

"Because the two of you have a lot of baggage, and we don't need anymore of that around here. It's time to unload some of it."

"But, boss..." Tony begins.

"DiNozzo, Vance is right this time. The two of you need to work your crap out. You have a child."

"Where is she?" Tony looks around. Ziva looks at him, unfazed, no look of panic on her face.

"Downstairs with Abby," Ziva answers.

"How do you know that? Your ninja senses?" Tony questions.

"Abby sent me a text message," Ziva reveals.

"Oh. Maybe we should have a tracking chip installed in her."

"Tony that's illegal," McGee chimes in.

"Yes, but it would make our lives much easier."

"When have our lives ever been easy?" Ziva inquires.

"Good point."

"We will do what other parents do, hover over her like a black helicopter."

"And watch her sleep?" Tony wonders.

"I was not watching her sleep," Ziva argues.

"No, you were just checking to see that she was still breathing."

"So? Can you blame me?"

"No."

"How many times did you check, last night?"

"Six times, you?"

"Nine."


	20. Holding On To The Past

"So when do you start your couples counseling?"

Tony looks at his watch, "In half an hour. We should probably get going," he looks to Ziva.

She nods, and they make their way to the elevator. They stop off in Abby's lab. Ziva looks around the room. Abby smiles, and quietly points to her office.

"No music?" Tony questions.

She shakes her head, and holds her finger in front of her mouth. Ziva walks into Abby's office. She finds Eden asleep on the table, with Bert under her head as a pillow. Tony, and Abby watch her.

She walks over to the table. She puts her hand on Eden's back. She moves in close. Her lips are an inch from the girl's ear. "Eden," she whispers, "Come on, let's go."

"Five more minutes," Eden argues.

"We are leaving."

Eden sits up. "Where are you going?"

"Tony and I have a mandatory counseling session."

"I don't want to go."

"You can't stay here."

Abby interjects, "Ziva, it's ok. She can stay here. Come pick her up, when you're done."

"You have work to do."

"You think that she's going to distract me? She's not."

"Abby, are you sure?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Ok," Ziva agrees reluctantly.

"We'll be back to pick you up in a little while," Tony promises the seven year old.

"I didn't think that you were leaving, and not coming back. I'll be fine," she replies stoically.

"Ok."

Ten minutes later they arrive at the therapist's office. They take seats in the waiting room.

"This is ridiculous, don't you think?" Tony questions.

"I...," she hesitates, "I don't know anymore."

"Are you ok?"

"No. I think that we have established that I am not."

"Are you going to be?"

"Let's hope so."

"Zi?"

"What?" she answers sharply.

"Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I am tired of you locking me out. Just let me in. I think I have earned that."

"Yes, you have."

"But?"

"No, but."

"We have to figure this out. We have to talk about this, no matter how much neither of us wants not to."

"I know."

"How are we going to make this work, for her?"

She shrugs, she looks at him, he sees a flicker of pain in her eyes as she answers, "I wish that I knew."

"It's complicated, but we will make it work."

"Because we have no other choice?"

"Because we want to."

"I just I never thought that..."

"I told you that you were going to have to face this."

"But I don't want to."

"You don't have a choice."

"Vance was right, to send us here."

"I'm surprised to hear you say that," he admits.

"We work together every single day, we are in harms way everyday, and we have things that we need to work out. Not just for us, it's bigger than us now."

"We've got a lot to lose."

"Sometimes I wish that I could go back."

"You couldn't have known..."

"No, that's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"I should have stayed. I never should have run away, it was cowardly."

"You were afraid, I understand that."

"We never talk about it."

"About what?"

"When I left."

"I try not to think about it."

"Why?"

_July 11th 2003,_

_He wakes up, and she is not in bed with him. All of the lights are on. He gets up, in search of her. He peeks into the closet, and finds a closet full of his clothes, and empty hangers. He goes into the bathroom, and finds all of her stuff gone. He goes over the dresser, and finds her bras, panties, and socks, all gone. He flips off the lights as he goes through the apartment. He goes into the living room, and finds that the painting she had hung was gone. He looks in the kitchen, and finds that her box of tea, is in the trash. He returns to the bathroom, and he finds that even her toothbrush is gone. He pulls on his clothes, and wanders down the hall. _

_He stands in front of a closed door. Finally he opens it, hoping that by some miracle, one of them would be there. He flips on the light, and finds an empty room. Nearly empty. A room full of furniture, with no one in it. It finally hits him. It was gone. Everything that ever mattered, it was gone._

_The things, the memories, they were still there. Her name, painted on the wall, above the changing table. They had done that together. Both of them had finished, covered in paint. He goes over to the dresser, and opens the drawers. Pacifiers, tiny socks. Blankets, and burp cloths. Onesies, and diapers. Wipes, and tiny little headbands. _

_In the corner an empty rocking chair, with a picture of them, that he had taken, on the wall. It was the day they had gotten home from the hallway. He had snuck around the corner, with the camera. He snapped the shot of Ziva, staring into the eyes of their daughter. _

_He moves over to the crib, in the center of the wall. He looks inside. he finds that it has been made. He finds a card, in the center of it. He feels the pain, of reality washing over him, as he picks up the card. _

_He opens it, and pulls the card out. He instantly recognizes her handwriting. He reads it in silence._

_Tony,_

_The divorce papers are on the way. I thought that it would be best, if we cut our losses, and moved on. I am returning to Israel. Please do not try to contact me. I wish you the best. _

_Ziva_


	21. Mistakes In The Past

"Agent David, Agent DiNozzo," a voice brings him back to reality.

The thirty-something woman looks at them. She is attractive, but Tony doesn't look twice. He simply vacates his seat, and follows Ziva into her office. They take seats on the couch, and wait for her to begin.

"I am Doctor Brice. What the brings the two of you here?"

"It is punishment," Tony answers.

"Our director set this up," Ziva clarifies.

"The two of you are partners?"

"Yes," Tony confirms.

"It isn't entirely uncommon for partners to be sent to counseling together."

"That isn't why we're here," Tony admits.

"Why are you here?"

"Ziva and I have been partners for nearly five and a half years."

"So the two of you know each other pretty well?"

"Yes."

"The two of you get along?"

"We bicker," Ziva responds.

"Why do you think your director sent you here?"

"You don't know?" Tony wonders.

"Nope. I owe your director a favor. He wanted me to fit the two of you into my schedule, he didn't tell me much about you."

"The reason that we are here is because the director found out that we used to be married," Tony reveals.

"To?"

"Each other," Ziva clarifies.

"Oh. I see."

"It was a long time ago," Ziva adds.

"He thinks that the two of you have a personal connection that is affecting your work?"

"It's hard to say," Tony replies.

"How long ago were you married?"

"We got married eight years ago," Ziva answers.

"January 21st, 2003."

"And why did the two of you get married? You were in love?"

"Yes," Ziva nods. Tony looks at her in surprise. She adds, "But that was only part of it. It was what you would call a shotgun wedding."

"You were pregnant? The two of you have a child?"

"It is rather complicated," Ziva remarks.

"How long were the two of you married?"

Ziva thinks back, "I filed the divorce papers on, July 12th, 2003," she recalls.

"You weren't even married for six months? What happened?"

"We didn't really know each other that well. We met, and..."

"It was not supposed to be anything more than a one night stand," Ziva replies bluntly.

"But she got pregnant. I never would have even known."

"What do you mean?" Dr. Brice asks out of curiosity.

"She went back to Israel."

"But you chose to tell him anyway, why?"

"I thought that he should know."

"And you accepted his marriage proposal?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Why?"

"I guess... I loved him."

"So what happened? You stopped loving him?" Dr. Brice wonders.

"A couple of weeks after our daughter was born I went back to Israel. I was supposed to be there for a few weeks, and then go back."

"Something changed those plans?"

She looks at the coffee table, "Everything changed."

"Everything?"

Tony looks at the therapist, "I woke up to feed her, and she had stopped breathing. She came back, and..."

"I left."

"You left?"

"I couldn't stay. I didn't want to have to be reminded of what happened, every day."

"So you filed for divorce?" Dr. Brice clarifies.

"Yes."

"And how did your director find out?"

"It started with a Marine who killed a doctor. A doctor who he thought was responsible for taking his infant son from him," Tony begins.

"Taken how?"

"The doctor faked the baby's death. No one would have ever known, but his wife saw their baby."

"I don't understand," Dr. Brice admits.

"It turns out that the man the marine killed had been faking the deaths of babies for ten years."

"So his son was alive?"

"Yes," Ziva confirms.

"And how does this relate to how the director found out about the two of you being married, once?"

"Because our daughter was one of those babies."

"After all that time, of believing that your daughter was dead, you found out that she was alive?"

"Yes."

"Where is she now?"

"At NCIS. She didn't want to come with us," Tony answers.

"Agent David, how did you end up at NCIS?"

"My brother."

"Your brother works there?"

"No my brother killed an NCIS agent."

"We had an opening, and the former director suggested Ziva."

"Why did you agree? Knowing that you would have to work with your ex-husband, and the father of your child? Didn't you think that it would bring up painful memories?"

"I...um," Ziva stammers, "It is complicated."

"Try to explain it," Dr. Brice coaxes.

"In my life there has been a lot of upheaval. I guess that I came back because... it is the only place that has ever felt like home."


	22. Married

Tony looks over at him, in bewilderment. He opens his mouth to speak. He struggles with formulating the simple sentence. Finally he gets it out, "You never told me that."

"I should have, I know that now."

"What do you mean by that, exactly?"

"Those six months, here, with you, it was the only time, in my entire life, that I have felt like I was in the right place. It was the only time that I felt like I was living in a home."

"You spent most of the time on a plane."

"Because I knew that when I came back you were going to be there."

"The two of you still have feelings for each other?" Dr. Brice answers.

Tony smiles.

"What are you smiling at?" Ziva wonders.

"I was just thinking about what Eden asked us earlier."

"About what?"

"Falling out of love," he replies.

"Oh."

"Love is complicated, it's not something you can just turn on and off," Dr. Brice points out.

Tony looks at his partner, "No, it's not."

"We have both had a lot of other romantic interests," Ziva adds.

"Yes, and those have ended so well."

"What's he referring to?" Dr. Brice raises an eyebrow.

"It is hard to tell. He could be talking about the woman he fell in love with when he was undercover or..."

He cuts her off with a shake of the head. "I'm talking about the other one," he admits.

"The other one?" Dr. Brice questions.

"He is jealous."

"I didn't do it out of jealousy."

"I know why you did it, but it still doesn't mean that I have gotten over it."

"Over what?"

"That is a great question Dr. Brice. I will tell you. She is talking about the terrorist that she was involved with. I shot and killed him."

"He wasn't exactly a terrorist."

"Close enough."

"He killed your boyfriend?"

"If you want to call him that, but I think that I redeemed myself," Tony insists.

"Yes, you did," Ziva agrees.

"How?"

"After he killed Michael, I chose to stay in Israel."

"She likes to run, instead of facing things, some times."

"Had I known how it was going to turn out, I would have stayed."

"How did it turn out?"

Tony glances at Ziva, and then answers for her, "Her father sent her on a suicide mission. She got captured, and was in a terrorist camp for three months."

"There is no doubt that I would still be there, if you had not shown up," she looks at him.

"Yes, your body would still be there," he agrees.

"You saved her?"

"Saved her? No. She does not need anyone to save her. She isn't a damsel in distress. She doesn't need a knight in shining armor. I didn't go there to save her, anyway. I went there to end the man who was responsible for her death."

"You thought that she was dead?"

"We all thought she was. Part of me hoped that she wasn't... but it was drown out by the rational part of my brain, most of the time."

"Rational part? Which part would that be?"

"The one that has been slapped into submission," he responds to Ziva.

"As long as we're clear."

"So you saved her?" Dr. Brice inquires.

"I didn't rescue her. It wasn't like that. I just brought her home."

"Yes," she nods.

"I can see why the director would be concerned."

"Why is that?" Ziva wonders.

"The two of you have been through a lot together. More than most, and you are still together. That tells me that the two of you still have feelings for each other. Which reminds me, that you didn't answer my question. Do you still love each other?"

"I will always love her, but that doesn't mean that it changes anything. It doesn't come between us as partners. It doesn't mean that we are ever going to be able to be together."

"But do you want to be?"

Ziva takes over, "He is infuriating. He is the most annoying, childish man I have ever met. When things go badly he often drinks too much. He says things that he shouldn't."

He counters, "She has threatened to kill me with a paperclip. She has nearly killed me, with her driving. She uses ninja mind tricks on me..."

"But he's my partner."

"She's my partner."

"You still haven't really answered my question," Dr. Brice replies in frustration.

"We should get going. Eden will be waiting," Tony suggests.

"We aren't done here. Sit down!" Dr. Brice demands. "Answer my question and you will be free to go."

"Ziva?"

"Huh?"

"I need you to promise me something."

"What's that?"

"That you won't kill me."

"I haven't yet. What makes you think that I will now?"

"I was going through old papers, the other day."

"And?"

"You never got the signature on our divorce papers notarized."

"Why are you bringing that up? Does it matter?"

"Agent David I think that what he is trying to tell you is that the two of you are not legally divorced."

"Excuse me?" she stares at me.

"Not my fault."

"How long have you known? Please define the other day."

"Five years ago."

"That was not the other day. Why wouldn't you tell me that?"

"It's just a piece of paper. It is a simple fix. I figured that if either of us ever wanted to get married to someone else I would tell you."

"Unbelievable."


	23. But, Why?

"Are you angry?"

Ziva looks at the therapist. She cocks her head, and then looks over at Tony. After a moment of thought she answers. "I am irritated, but to be perfectly honest, I am not angry."

"You're not?" Tony questions.

"No," she shakes her head.

"I should have told you."

"Yes you should have, but I cannot fault you for things that I have done myself. There are things that I should have told you, too."

"The two of you seem to know how you feel about each other, but do you ever say it?"

"Once," Tony answers.

"When?" Dr. Brice probes.

"In Somalia."

She looks at Ziva, "Do you remember what he said?"

"There are a lot of things that I do not remember from then, and some things that I wish not to. What he said, I will always remember that."

"Which is what?"

"He said that he could not live without me."

"Do you think that is true?"

"Not entirely," she admits.

"Please explain," the doctor coaxes.

"He can live without me, but I don't think that he wants to."

"Why would I?" he chimes in.

"Why do you feel like you need me in your life? I have brought nothing but pain into your life."

"Zi, you're wrong. Everyone has had good time, and bad times. You of all people should know that. Maybe you dwell on the bad ones, but the best times I have ever had, they're with you."

She doesn't say anything. Her brown eyes search his eyes. Dr. Brice breaks the silence.

"Answer my question," she looks at Ziva, and then Tony.

"You want to know if we're still in love?"

"Yes," the doctor nods.

"I can't speak for her, but... our daughter, she was right. Sort of. There have been a lot of women in my life. Some that I have loved, and some that were just for fun. But there is only one who I trust my life with. There is only one who really knows me. There is only one who isn't afraid to tell me exactly how things are. There is only one who always has my back. There is only one who I can't seem to fall out of love with," he pauses, and turns to Ziva. Her lips pucker, and her face scrunches, as she waits for him to finish. "There is only one you," he finishes.

"So you still love her?" Dr. Brice tries to elucidate.

"Just when I'm breathing," he smiles.

"Agent David? How about you? Do you still love him?"

"I...I..." she stammers, "I have tried very hard to move on. I have tried everything, to be ok, without him. It has never made any sense to me. I have never understood what it is about him, that keeps me coming back. He infuriates me, but..."

Tony interrupts her, trying to fill the blank for her, "I understand you."

"Yes," she nods. "I cannot explain it. I do not know how he does it, but he knows what I am thinking, even at times when I am not entirely sure that I am thinking. It drives me crazy, because I can keep things from other people, but never from him, no matter how hard I try. I guess it is because he knows exactly who I am, and he's still here."

"I'm never going to leave you. You know that right? You push, and you push, but I am not afraid of you Ziva."

"Why is that?"

"Because I have seen you on your best day, and on your worst. I know what you are capable of, and it doesn't scare me."

"Why do you still love me?"

"Why do you still love me?"

She shrugs, "I wish that I knew. I wish I could make it stop. I have tried, but... I can't."

"So where do we go from here?"

"I think that we have to start picking up the pieces, dealing with what is broken."

"We've avoided those broken pieces, for a very long time."

"And I wish that was still an option," she admits.

"I feel like I'm in a dream. None of this feels real."

"Which part of it?"

"To have her back. For you, and I to spend ten minutes together, without arguing. It's like it used to be. Back before the war."

"The war?" Dr. Brice furrows her brow.

"He refers to it as the cold war," Ziva reveals.

"Because you got cold. You turned to ice, and shut me out. You walked away."

"It was the only thing I knew to do."

"But you should have stayed."

"I came back."

"You came back a different person."

"I am the same person I have always been."

"No," he shakes his head, "You came back and you were colder than you have ever been. Your eyes were darker, and you..."

"I did a lot of things to try to get..."

"The past off your mind?"

"Yes," she nods.

"So did I. I never could manage to drink the memories away."

"I could never seem to collect the reparations that I was searching for."

"Did you ever think that you might have been looking in the wrong place?"

"I know that now."

"I know that you were young, and you were scared, but why didn't you ever try to make things work? You could have picked up the phone, or... when you came back, you could have tried to make things work."

"It is impossible to make things work for two people, when you are the only one trying."

"What do you mean by that?" he inquires.

"I should have tried harder, but you should have too."

"Lets shift gears for a minute, and talk about the future, instead of the past," Dr. Brice suggests.

"Ok," Tony nods in agreement.

"What do the two of you want for your daughter? How are you planning on making things work, for her?"

"I don't know," Tony shrugs, looking down at the floor, at a loss for words.

"Agent David?"

"She has two parents," Ziva answers.


	24. Pit Stops

He looks up at her. He takes a moment to study her eyes. "We should get a bigger place. One that we can all live in, until we figure out where the chips are going to fall. We'll sign a six, or twelve month lease, and we'll spend time trying to figure out the best way to..."

She cuts him off, "How can we know what is best for her, when we don't even know what's best for us?"

"I know what I want," he replies.

"And what is that?"

"I want to go back to work..."

She interrupts him, "And pretend like nothing has happened?"

"No. I want to go back to work, and try to salvage our jobs. I want to leave here, and go pick our daughter up, and go home."

"And where is that, exactly, Tony?" she asks pointedly.

"Wherever you are," he replies.

"What are you saying?"

"I don't care about the politics. I do not care what Vance has to say. I have spent so much time following all the rules, that I have lost everything that ever mattered. I just want what I never knew that I wanted, before you walked into my life."

She examines his facial expression, but says nothing in response. Dr. Brice continues the conversation.

"Agent DiNozzo don't make her read between the lines. Don't make her guess what you're trying to say. Tell her what you mean. The two of you let your brains filter what your heart wants to say. Sometimes what you have to say is simple, and you need to be to the point about it. If you spend all of your time trying to be tactful..."

Tony cuts her off, "I may be tactful, but she is not."

"Please," she looks at him. He sees the heaviness in her soul, spilling through her eyes.

"I don't care where we live. I don't care if I have to give up this job, and teach P.E. at a local public school. I just want my family back. I want to come home every night to you, and to Eden. Is that so much to ask?"

Her hand slips into his. She squeezes is hand, "No," she answers softly.

"Agent David tell him why."

"Why? I..."

Dr. Brice cuts her off, "Tell him what you want."

"I want that too," she reveal, "That is all I have ever wanted. The only home I have ever had, the only family I have ever had, was with you. I want that back."

A light bulb flips on in his head, "That's why you left?"

"What do you mean?"

"You thought that what happened, happened because you didn't deserve it? You still don't think that you deserve it. That is why you never tried to fix things. Why can't you ever seem to realize that you are a good person? You are a deserving person."

"I have done a lot of terrible things," she responds.

"We are not defined by the things that we have done. We are defined by the people we become, in spite of the things that we have done, in spite of the things that have been done to us. How many cases do you have to solve, before you are at peace? How many murderers do we have to put away, before you feel like you have made amends?"

"I do not have an answer."

He turns his attention to Dr. Brice, "Can we go now? We have more important places to be."

She smiles, "Just as long as you know where those places are."

"When are we supposed to come back?"

"In two days, but I will not force you. I will sign of on your paperwork, even if you choose not to return."

"Why would you do that? We are that crazy?" Tony probes.

"The two of you both have things that you need to work out, but your priorities are clear. Your closeness, your willingness to give up anything for the other, it is what makes your partnership work."

"You don't really care much for our director do you?" Tony baits her.

"I never have," she smiles.

"Nor have we," Ziva admits.

"Does anyone?" Dr. Brice poses the question.

Tony and Ziva both shrug. Ziva stops in the doorway.

"Well see you in two days."

Tony turns, and looks at her, "Did you just hear what the lady said, Ziva?"

"Yes."

"So why did you tell her that?"

"Our issues are not going to work themselves out. As much as I dislike the idea, we need to do this."

"I don't want to," he whines.

"This isn't about us," she argues.

"It is couple's counseling."

"Yes, but we need to do this for Eden."

He clinches his jaw, "I hate when you're right."

She smiles, "I know my little hairy butt," she swats his butt.

She climbs into the passengers seat, without a second thought. He pulls out of the parking lot, and she realizes that he's going the wrong way."Do you need a navigator today?"

"Why would I need a navigator, Ziva?"

"You're going the wrong way."

"You don't know where we're going."

"I assumed that we were going to the Navy Yard."

"We have a stop to make first."

"Where?"

"You'll see."

"Just tell me."

"Just relax."

"I will try. It would be easier, if you would tell me where we're going."

"Are you having separation anxiety?"

"So what if I am?"

"There is something that you need to see, before we go pick her up."

"What?"

"Stop asking questions, and just trust me."

Several minutes later she finds herself parked outside his apartment. She furrows her brow in confusion.

"What are we doing here."

"Come on!" he insists.

"Tony..." she tries to protest.

"It will only take a few minutes."

"What are we doing here?"

"I'll tell you when we get upstairs, now come on."

"I am not..." she begins.

He cuts her off, "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"It is hard to do that, as much time as I spend with you."

"What are you trying to say? Are you saying that you want to be in the gutter with me?"

"No, I find that I have spent so much time with you, that sometimes I think like you do."

"Well stop."


	25. In A Box, Under The Bed

He leads her into the apartment, into the bedroom. She takes a seat on the bed. She scrutinizes his every move. He stands in front of her, with his arms crossed.

"Stand up."

"Stand up? Why are we here? In your bedroom?"

"Ziva get off the bed."

"I..."

"Just trust me."

"I do, that is the problem."

"Ziva do what I say, for once, please."

She gets off the bed, and he tries pushes her out of the way.

"What is your problem? Why are you pushing me?"

"You are in my way."

"In your way? Ask me to move."

"Ziva, please."

"Please, what?"

"Please, move."

She takes a step back. He pushes the bed away from them. He drops to the floor. She looks at him in confusion.

"What are you doing down there? Are you looking for dirty socks?"

"Hold on."

She tries to see what he's doing. He comes up, with a box. Finally she sees what he had been doing. He slides the wood panel back over the safe in the floor. He hands her the box.

"What's this?"

He points to the bed, and motions for her to sit. She takes a seat. He takes a seat next to her. She looks at the shoe box. She lifts the lid off of it.

"I didn't really know what to do with it, so I saved it," he admits.

She looks inside the box, in silence. Inside there is a stack of pictures, hospital i.d. bracelets, a pink headband, a pair of socks, and a tiny pink dress.

"That's what she wore home from the hospital," he points.

She pulls out the stack of pictures. She flips through them. At the top of the stack there are picture of the two of them. They are smiling in every single one of them. She stops, and stares at one of them.

"Do you remember that one?"

"Like you'd ever let me forget."

"I hadn't seen you in three weeks."

"And your face was priceless."

_February 14th 2003, _

_He is waiting on her, when she slips into the apartment. She flips on the light, as she comes in the door. She puts her bag on the floor. She stares at him in confusion, as he sits at the table, in the dark. She smiles._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"It's Valentine's day."_

_"Why are you sitting in the dark?"_

_"I wanted to surprise you."_

_"With dinner?"_

_"I thought that you'd probably be in the mood for breakfast."_

_"You made me breakfast?"_

_"French Toast. I hope you're hungry."_

_"I could eat."_

_He watches her, as she slips off her coat. He finds his eyes locked on her, unable to blink. She begins to move towards the table, but then she notices him staring, and she stops dead in her tracks. _

_"What are you staring at?"_

_"Nothing," he lies._

_"You are staring. What are you staring at?"_

_"You."_

_"I know that. Why are you staring?"_

_"Because I can."_

_"I want to know why."_

_"Look at you," he responds._

_She looks down. Beneath her black shirt is a noticeable bump. She purses her lips, and looks back up at him. _

_"You think that I'm huge?"_

_"No," he shakes his head, "I never said that."_

_"But you thought it?"_

_"No, I didn't."_

_"Then why are you staring?"_

_"I am your husband, can't I look at you?"_

_"You can but..."_

_"I haven't seen you in three weeks. In pregnant time that is an eternity. It wasn't that noticeable when you left."_

_"There is nothing I can do about it."_

_"I didn't say you should."_

_"So why were you staring?"_

_He smirks, "Because you're beautiful."_

_"You are serious?" she tries to gauge his reaction._

_"Why wouldn't I be?"_

_"I do not feel beautiful. I feel... big, and uncomfortable. I am hungry, and tired, and cranky. I do not feel beautiful. I feel like a shower..."_

_"Sit down and eat, before your food gets cold, and your exhaustion invades all of your brain cells."_

_"What is that supposed to mean?"_

_"You are not thinking clearly. You are being a little bit crazy."_

_"You thought that I would be anything less than crazy?"_

_"No. Please eat."_

_"Why are you trying to get me to eat?"_

_"You said that you were hungry."_

_"You seem anxious."_

_"I want you to eat so I can give you your present."_

_She sinks into the chair, and watches him from across the table. She lifts her fork, and shakes her head. _

_"Not tonight," she argues. She takes a bite._

_"Not that."_

_"Not that? Really? You do not want to have sex?"_

_"You are impossible. There is no way I can win here."_

_"You do not want to have sex? What is wrong with you? You find me that disgusting right now? That is unbelievable, you did this to me."_

_"I had help."_

_"I cannot believe you."_

_He sighs, and attempts to salvage the evening. He pulls out a box, and hands it to her._

_"Here is your present. I hope that you like it."_

_She stares at the box. "Lingerie?"_

_"Just open it."_

_She pulls the red ribbon off, and then the lid. She digs through the tissue paper, and peers inside. She looks at the tiny dress inside._

_"It's a little small for me, don't you think?"_

_"It's not for you, it's for the baby."_

_"We have not found out the sex yet."_

_"You seem convinced that it's a girl."_

_"What if it is not?"_

_"Then I'll return it."_

_She smiles. He grabs his camera, and snaps a picture, before she can react. _


	26. It's Your Call

"That was unforgettable," he admits.

She smiles, "So was the sex."

"It always was."

She glances at him, and then continues going through the pictures. She flips through more pictures of them, and pictures of Eden. She reaches the end, and looks over at him.

"There is one missing."

"No," he shakes his head, "It's too big to fit in the box."

"You know what I am talking about?"

"I usually do. You're talking about the one that was in her nursery, right?"

"Yes," she nods.

"I couldn't fit it in there."

"You got rid of it?"

"No."

"You still have it?"

"Not here."

"What do you mean not here? Where is it?"

"Um..." he hesitates.

"Tony?"

His head turns. He stares into her eyes. Without a word he gets off the bed. He climbs back onto the floor.

"Can you move your legs please?"

She lifts her legs off the floor. He climbs back under the bed, and gets into the safe. He pulls something out, and then closes the door. He stands up, and holds out his palm. She studies the metallic object in the palm of his hand. Her fingers carefully lift the key from his hand. She scrutinizes him as he stands in front of her.

"What is this to?"

"My heart," he jokes.

"Be serious."

"Are you really sure that you want to know?"

"I wouldn't ask, if I didn't."

"It is to a storage unit."

"A storage unit? What do you have to store?"

"Just some stuff. Some old furniture, and a couple old..." he trails off.

"Old furniture? You have had the same couch as long as I've known you. We bought it together."

"Because you said the other one was lumpy."

"You had it since college."

"True."

"I would even guess that you have the same mattress."

"No. I got a new one."

"So what old furniture do you have, in storage?"

"They go with the picture I've got."

"What picture?"

"The one you said was missing."

"You still have it?"

"I have it all."

"You still have all of that stuff?"

"I could never bring myself to get rid of it. I knew that I didn't need it, that I would never use it again, but... there are some things you just can't part with."

"I had my signature notarized. Why did you say that I didn't?"

"To see how you would react."

"Why?"

"Because the truth is, I never had mine notarized."

"Why not?"

"It wasn't intentional, but once I had realized the mistake... you were so far gone that I didn't think it mattered. I thought you were never coming back. I didn't think I would ever see you again. I had always planned on being a bachelor for life, so it didn't matter."

"We are still technically married?"

"Yes, but we are legally separated."

"Why didn't you..."

"I wasn't ready to let you go."

"Then why did you let me go?"

"What was I supposed to do? You left in the middle of the night."

"You shouldn't be such a sound sleeper."

"I know that. What did you want me to do? Chase you to Israel?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

Their conversation is interrupted by her phone. She pulls it out of her pocket, and looks at the screen. She furrows her brow, and looks to him.

"Do you know anyone who would be calling from the area code 505?"

"505, is... New Mexico. Who do we know in New Mexico?"

"It is probably Sarah."

"Sarah who?"

She shoots him a look. She answers the phone. "Hello?"

"Is this Agent David?"

"Yes."

"This is Sarah."

"Hello. Are you calling to talk to Eden?"

"No, if she wants to talk, she'll call."

"You don't expect her to?"

"She has her own way of thinking about the world, she always has. She thinks I stole her from you, it will take her a long time to get over that. I was just calling because I thought that you would like her medical records."

"Yes."

"Where would you like me to fax them?"

"NCIS."

"Agent Gibbs left me the number."

"Is there anything I should know about?"

"She is allergic to anything that stings. She has an epi-pen, which she brought with her. She knows how to use it. That is the only health issue she has ever really had other than a few colds, and a broken arm."

"From what?"

"Falling out of a tree, twenty feet off the ground. She's always been a daredevil. She started climbing when she was three. She still hasn't grown out of it. I packed up some of her stuff, that she'll be wanting. I shipped it out last night."

"Where?"

"Agent Gibbs left me an address, to ship it to."

"Oh."

"It's just a few things. Some of her clothes, some photo albums, some of her school papers, some of her toys, and Daisy."

"Daisy? Who is Daisy? A dog?" Ziva begins to panic.

"Oh, no. Daisy is not a who, but a what. Daisy is what Eden calls her blanket. She usually only needs it when she is upset. You should know that you must wash it only when she isn't home. She gets upset about it being laundered. I'm not sure why, maybe because she doesn't want it to fall apart."

"Is there anything else I should know?"

"You should braid her hair at night, it keeps her from twirling it."

"Twirling it?"

"When she gets stressed, or upset, she will twirl her hair at night. She hasn't done it for a while, but her environment has changed, so she might. Let's see what else. She will not eat cabbage, for any reason. She hates cauliflower, and raisins. Other than that she isn't picky. She was started karate two years ago, I sent her stuff, in case she wants to continue. She also plays soccer in the spring. I sent all of her school records. Oh... you should know she is in the third grade, even though she is only seven."

"Why?"

"She started reading when she was two and a half. When she started kindergarten the teacher suggested that she be sent to the first grade. She's a smart kid. She is very particular about her schoolwork. She will sit down every night as soon as she gets home from school, and do it. You won't have to remind her. She might ask for help with science, it is the only subject that she struggles with. Of course struggling for her, is a B+."

"Anything else?"

"Never let her around puppies."

"Why? Does she do..."

Sarah cuts her off, "No. She is great with animals. They all love her. She will make you feel terrible. She will make you feel guilty."

"What is wrong with her having a dog?"

"She won't want just one. She'll want to bring them all home. I suggest that if you want to keep that from happening you invest in a membership to the Zoo, and an aquarium. She's a great kid. I wish you the best of luck."

"I am..."

Sarah cuts her off, "Don't be sorry. I am the one who took her from you, not the other way around. If I had known... but... I didn't. Give me a call if you need anything."

"Ok."

"Goodbye."

Ziva hangs up the phone.


	27. Coming Home

He unlocks the padlock, to the storage unit. He pushes the door up. She stands outside, staring at the contents of the unit in silence. It was like a time capsule. She exhales, and walks into the unit. She sinks into a rocking chair. She just stares at the contents of the unit.

He stands at the crib. He looks inside. Everything is still assembled. It is exactly the same, as when she left. The only difference, was the location. He goes over to a dresser, and opens the top drawer. He pulls out a tiny dress, and holds it up. She smiles.

He ends the silence, "Sometimes, it feels like our dreams died with her."

"I know."

"It was like everything was great, and then the next day, it was all gone. It took me three months to empty her room. If my lease hadn't been up, I would have kept it the same way, forever."

"We were so happy."

"Yeah. She made everything seem better."

"I think it was a sense of completion that neither of us had ever felt."

"Would you do it again?"

"Go through all of the same..."

"No. I mean would you ever have another child?"

She shrugs, "I cannot answer that. I don't know. I know that I loved her, that I love her, more than I thought possible."

"Do you feel cheated? I feel cheated. We missed so much. Her first words, her first steps, her first haircut, her first loose tooth. I wish that we could get that back."

"I feel the same way."

"Would it be wrong to hold onto this a little longer?"

"No. We have her back, but things a different. Things have changed. She may not be dead, she may not be buried, but some of the dreams we had, they are."

"Can we try and resurrect them?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want to be a family."

"I want that too."

"I want things to go back to the way that they were."

"They can't."

"I want you to be my wife. I want our daughter to have the life that we dreamed she would."

"And if we can't give her that?"

"We have to try. Ziva, we have to try."

"Do you remember the life that we dreamed of?"

He smiles, "How could I ever forget?"

"The two car garage, in a house on a quiet street, with a little bit of a yard, and two kids."

"And a dog," he adds.

She smiles, "Lucky, because he would be lucky to have us."

"Those dreams sound so naive."

"Maybe we could still have that."

"Do you really think that?"

"I would like to hope."

"Ziva?"

"Huh?"

"If we make it through this, if we manage to fix it..." he trails off.

"Yes?"

"Can we try again?"

"Try again?"

"You know what I mean. I know that you said you couldn't answer. That's fine. Just tell me that you would think about it."

"Ok," she nods. She looks at him, and then to the dress that he's holding.

"What are you thinking?"

"It was like when we lost her, the world stopped turning. We kept going, but nothing was the same."

He looks at her, and then at the tiny dress. He puts it in the crib.

"Let's go get the only dream that turned out right," he insists.

She smiles, and gets out of the rocking chair. He closes the door behind her, and locks the padlock. They get into the car, headed for the Navy Yard. They start driving. He looks over at her. She looks out the window.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks.

"That stupid rocking chair."

"What about it?"

"I used to dream about it."

"What about it?"

"I would dream about sitting in it, in her room," her voice cracks, "rocking. And I'd be in it, alone. She was gone, but I was still there, in her room, rocking," the tears well up in her eyes.

He pulls onto the shoulder, and puts the car in park. He unbuckles his seat belt. He moves towards her. Her holds her as she cries.

"When I was in Somalia... when I would dream, that is what I would dream about. Before I was there, after I was there. I always dreamt about it. That was my prison. I didn't dream about what happened in the desert. I dreamt about the stupid rocking chair, about being in her room, without her. The worst part was that I put myself in that prison, and I didn't know how to get out."

He pets her head, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry... just fix it."

"Fix it? I don't know how to fix it."

She swallows hard, "Neither do I."

"Wait a minute... maybe I do."

"You do?"

He lets her go. He smiles, "It's simple. We'll bring the chair with us. Then you can rock her."

"She's seven, she's too big to be rocked."

"Maybe, but I still think we should bring it with us. Maybe one day, you'll be able to look at it, without going to a place so dark, that no one can find you."

"Ok," she agrees.

They quickly return to the storage unit. They load the chair into the trunk of the car. They arrive at the Navy Yard twenty minutes later. They stop in Abby's lab. They step into the lab, and find Eden sitting on Abby's table, next to her keyboard. She smiles at them.

"Are you ready to go home?"

"Yes," she smiles.


	28. Family

She sits on the couch, in the dark. She feels alone, even though she knows that she's not. She stares at the chair, in the corner of the room. She thinks of the nights that she spent sitting in that chair. They're weren't enough of them. She hadn't gotten to spend enough nights in that chair. The last night she had spent in that chair, she didn't even want to think about. She didn't want to think about the dreams she had lost. She didn't want to think about the life that was taken away from her. She didn't want to go back to that place, where hope showed up, at the last minute, and then was completely obliterated in the next. She didn't want to go to that deep, dark place, where hope didn't exist anymore. She hated that place. She just wanted her life back. She wanted the promises back. She wanted what could have been. But there was no going back. All she could do was go forward. Even, if she had no idea how to. She hears footsteps. They stop, in front of the couch.

"Why are you awake? It's late."

"I guess I just can't sleep."

"Why not?"

"I was just thinking. You should go back to bed."

"Where did that chair come from?"

"Storage."

"Why do you keep staring at it?"

"I used to rock you to sleep, in that chair."

"And it makes you sad?"

"I guess."

"They why are you sitting over here?"

"I don't want to sit in it, with nobody to rock."

"Why can't you rock me?"

"You don't think that you're too big?"

"I probably am, but I can't sleep either, so it can't hurt. Can it?"

"I guess not," Ziva agrees.

She gets off the couch, and walks across the room, to the rocking chair. She plants herself in the chair. Eden gets on her lap. It takes her a few minutes to get situated. Ziva starts rocking.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Uh huh."

"Why didn't you just have another baby?"

"I wasn't married anymore. I left, and went back to Israel."

"There aren't men in Israel?"

"It wasn't as if you were a doll, that I could just replace, with a new model. It does not work like that."

"Would you ever have another baby?"

"Maybe?"

"With Tony?"

"I can't really say. I never would have imagined having you."

"I'm glad that I'm here. Of all the places that I've been, none of them have ever felt like home."

"Do you feel like you're home now?"

"Yes. It's not where you live, that makes it home. It's who you're with."

"I know."

Eden puts her head against Ziva's chest. She presses her ear against her heart.

"I'm home," she yawns.

"Yes, you are."

Ziva rocks her, until she falls asleep. She sleeps with her head pressed against her chest. Her feet hang over the end of the chair, even though her knees are pressed to her chest.

"I thought that I'd find you here," he whispers.

"My arms are asleep," she tells him.

"Do you want me to take her?"

"Leave her."

"You can't stay like that."

"Then help me up."

He helps her out of the chair. She walks through the dark, into the bedroom. She carefully places Eden in the center of the bed. She crawls in the bed, next to her.

"Are you coming to bed?" she yawns.

"It's too hot in here, for me."

"It's like sixty degrees in here," she points out as she pulls layers of covers over her.

"You, and Eden make me too hot. You are so hot, when you sleep. I swear the two of you reach about a thousand degrees, in your sleep."

She tosses a pillow at him, too tired to argue, "I'll see you in the morning."

As she lies awake a million thoughts run through her head. Mostly though, she wondered if they could really make this work. If she woke up tomorrow, and this wasn't a dream. Could they ever make this work? Would they be a family? Did she even know how to be a family? Sometimes she wondered. Could she have the life that they had once pictured? Or was that just a fairy-tale? There was only one way to find out. They would just have to try.


End file.
